The song, “Holy Water” was sung by the duo Big & Rich and was released in 2004. It was written on behalf of both Big Kenny’s and John Rich’s sisters, who were both victims of abuse. According to Big & Rich’s own website, “Big & Rich wrote ‘Holy Water’ as a personal prayer of love and support for their sisters, and for the countless women who have suffered from and survived domestic violence.” However, any girl/woman who has experienced a traumatic abuse of any kind can relate to the words.
Ironically, I heard this song when it was released and because it climbed to #15 on the charts, heard it often enough to be able to sing along with most of the words to it. Even more ironic is that, while I liked the song, it never climbed into me and claimed me as other songs had, even though I was a girl who was subjected to traumatic abuse.
I heard it again, recently, while searching out another song by this duo, and POW! – I finally really understood the words’ meaning. I even understood that the words “holy water” were not speaking in religious/ spiritual terms, but in the sense of being fully cleansed from the pain by drowning in a clean, healing water. Because of the power of these lyrics, I feel compelled to share them with the hope that they will empower any of my readers who relate!
Somewhere there’s a stolen halo I used to watch her wear it well. Everything would shine, Wherever she would go But lookin’ at her now, you’ll never tell
Someone ran away with her innocence A memory she can’t get out of her head And I can only imagine what she’s feelin’ when she’s prayin’ Kneelin’ at the edge of her bed
And she says take me away Then take me farther Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me Like Holy Water Holy Water
She wants someone to call her angel Someone to put the light back in her eyes She’s lookin’ through the faces and unfamiliar places She needs someone to hear her when she cries
When she says take me away Then take me farther Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me Like Holy Water She just needs a little help
To wash away the pain she’s felt
She wants to feel the healin’ hands of someone who understands And she says take me away Then take me farther
Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me She says take me away Then take me farther Surround me now And hold, hold, hold me Like Holy Water Like Holy Water Like Holy Water Like Holy Water.
It is this year – 2021 – in which I will “officially” become a senior citizen. That’s right, the magic chronological age of 65 will become my status in a few months. Unlike many, I’ve never had trouble stating my age, never complained about growing older. Something from a purer place inside me always acknowledges the marking of another year gone and another year here as a badge of sorts, making me proud that I’ve somehow survived yet another revolution around the sun and am living to talk about it.
Thinking about this upcoming chronological number is, however, a bit more murky for me. Physically, I feel (most times) a few years older than what I think 65 should feel like. Mentally, I feel sharp enough in thought and intelligence to feel as though I’ve not been affected by any chronological number. Yes, occasionally, I’ve had moments where a word is “on the tip of my tongue” but I can’t grasp what the word is, but merely consider that happening as a result of having so much information stored in my brain that the dots take longer to connect until my brain finds what I want to say. Emotionally, I’m not sure how old I am. I’m still naive about a lot of things, but I’m also more cynical about a lot of things.
I had the honor and privilege of recently hearing a yet-released original composition called “Water’s Edge” by Dom LaFerlita. Dom is a 25-year old Australian man, who has been educationally investing himself it music personally and professionally for the past 10 years. He will soon be receiving his Masters in (I forget the exact title but something in music teaching). He studied classical music throughout much of his education, but has recently forayed into all different genres of music. He also had three years of vocal lessons, and his voice – especially his range – is wonderful. I consider Dom not only to be an amazing musical talent but also a dear friend.
The first time I heard “Water’s Edge”, it was played for a group of us just to get a feel of if we liked it or not. Although he’s released two albums of all original instrumental music, this was his first foray into making originals adding his voice. More recently, he provided a link where it could be listened to in it’s “unreleased” version via Soundcloud. This time, I got to listen to it without the distraction of other people, and it hit me really hard (yes, there were tears I couldn’t stop from falling!)! For whatever reason, it smacked my brain with the realization of my own mortality, and that, unless God wants me to live until I’m 130 (I don’t think that’s going to happen!), more than half of my life is over. I got stuck with not so much living with regrets for things I’d done or said, but coming to grasps with the realization that I haven’t done nearly as much good for my fellow man and Mother Earth as I would have liked to. I’ve done good – I’m not doubting myself for that – but with a little more energy, a little more commitment, I could have done more than I have. For someone who has always said that, without children to leave behind as my legacy to the world, the positive impact I have made on people is what I can leave behind as my legacy. There is a line in this song that says, “…to be the best person I can be…” and it pricks my soul. I’m physically feeling my age, as I said earlier, and I know I do not have the strength to go back and rewrite the script of all of the times I could have given more but didn’t. And yet, that same recognition of my age makes me understand that I will not have nearly the same amount of opportunities to do/say/give more. In fact, if I am 100% honest, I have to admit that I haven’t done/said/given more because I was being selfish with my energy. And that was back when I had energy, at least a lot more than I do now. Suddenly, the realization of turning 65 makes me understand that I can’t rewrite my path to this point, and I can’t do much to change my path from this point on.
When I remove myself from the lyrics of this song and just think about the composer of the song, tears still fall, though they are both happy and sad. I know that this was a song written after (and perhaps sparked by) a dark period of thought. How to I not shed tears of sadness that someone dear to me should be in pain? And yet, there is hope in this song as well, if nothing more than hope that this time is just a stumbling block to be moved from, and so there are tears of happiness that this dear person will (has) come back from that place with a better understanding.
So, all around, this song doesn’t get into just my heart, but it gets into my soul.
Back to turning 65 this year. It is my opinion that nothing about Medicare is easy!!!!! It feels like there are a thousand ‘agents’ out there vying for your business, and I swear, my TV commercials (what little I watch) are about about 5 to 1 Medicare versus any other product/service. I mean, we all know that Big Brother is tracking us on social media so it knows what ads to provide, but TV too???? Meanwhile, those of us out there who have no clue where to start probably don’t want to work with someone who cold calls you from showing interest in Medicare through any social media (I learned this the hard way when I got 19 calls within a 2-day period offering help in signing up for Medicare). It feels like a knife fight between agents to get this business – if only people fought as hard for the senior citizens for other reasons. I did watch a webinar so I do have a basic understanding of the different plans and what each covers. Plan A is hospital stuff, and it is provided at no charge (all of those Medicare taxes that were deducted from your paycheck all those years). The rest of the plans – B, C, D, G – are add-ons for any other medical needs like doctors, prescriptions, lab tests, specialists, etc. and if you opt for any of those, you get $148.50/month deducted from your Social Security and then you pick from several supplemental or Medicare advantage and there may or may not be a cost, depending upon what you choose.
Exactly what it feels like!
Maybe once I finally break through this mire, I’ll be more relaxed about this official birth year? One can only hope!
P.S. Sometimes it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. (My mentor told me that years ago!). With that in mind, I’m adding the link for anyone who wants to hear “Water’s Edge”. If you have Spotify, Apple Music, etc., you can hear all 14 of his released instrumental originals! You can also order CDs of this music through his website at: www.domlaferlita.com.au
What I want to share with you is something that I know about myself that I think is very weird and unique. I think I’m hoping to hear a lot of my readers comment and say, “Me, too!” because my intellect says that it’s weird and unique.
I dream in third person. I often, when I visualize memories, see them in third person. If you have no idea what I’m trying to say, imagine it this way – – you are behind a camera filming something happening on a stage in front of you. While you are filming, you are simultaneously on the stage as a part of whatever is happening there.
According to the definition, this classifies as an out-of-body experience, but I’m not certain it qualifies. According to my research on out-of-body experiences, they can happen in dreams, but also in real time. To my knowledge, I’ve never experienced it in real-time, though maybe when it’s happening then, you only experience one of the other – that is, the person in the subconscious or the person in the conscious.
I can accept that there are times when being in a ‘third person’ state is important and protective. Survival of severe trauma is one such case, when it allows us to remove ourselves from what it happening even though we are present. Psychology refers to this as a ‘dissociative disorder’, but again, because it never happens to me in real time, I’m lax about using that term. And while I understand the need to remove ourselves when confronted by traumatic memories or dreams, I do it each and every time that I experience a memory or have a dream. I’ve tried looking at memories of happy experiences in my mind, and I still see each of them rolling through my memory like a video, but I’m still standing above and outside of the actual occurrence while partaking in it. I seldom have what I’d classify as “bad” dreams, and the last time I remember having a dream that even caused me some angst upon awakening was easily 20 or more years ago, and it was a one-time, not reoccurring, dream. I can still remember quite a bit of the dream, but I feel nothing good or bad when I think about what I remember.
I am a pretty emotional person. I get teary-eyed quickly, and when something exciting happens for someone I care about, my heart quickly fills and swells with that happiness. I don’t shy away from my emotions – to me, they are badges I’m proud to show because they speak the depth of my heart. But I wonder… is my subconscious afraid of emotions? Is that why it removes me in some way from what is happening, so that it doesn’t have to feel, to deal, with the emotions that my conscious being has? And, if so, then WHY?
I have so many good memories, exacerbated in their goodness by photographs of people near and dear to my heart. I have a photo of my mom doing her “happy cat” face (you had to be there to understand!) and when I look at it, the memory in that moment makes me smile. But even as I look at that photo, which I took, when I think about the when and where of taking that photo, I immediately revert to seeing myself taking it from that ‘other place’. I have no memory of what I saw when I looked through the lens, what I was thinking or feeling at the time.
I only ever confronted a memory ‘in real time’ as happening then and not seeing myself watching it, but acutely aware of what was happening and what I could see in my field of vision from that place. It took a lot of therapeutic work to get me into that memory so that it felt real, and as it was a traumatic event, I remember gasping loudly and quickly opening my eyes, tears running down my cheeks, and repeating the word “No” over and over again. Therapeutically, I had to go into that event and somehow alter it from what it was to what I wish it had been, and I understand now that my inability to say “No” was what was holding me back from healing the hurt it had caused. I don’t even want to have that experience of being a part of that again in my life, but I understand and appreciate the necessity of going back there.
What confuses me, though, is that I can find memories of things that happened before that time, and I still see them in third person as well! Was I ever equipped to experience memories when I was just present in them?
I’m confused! And maybe we all do what I do, which will at least help me feel like I’m not missing out on something everyone else gets to experience. The memories I have are stacked in the favor of “good ones” over “bad ones”, and I think I’m willing to risk feeling the bad ones in exchange for feeling the good.
Because of the year-old pandemic, I get to see my beloved brother even less than I usually do with our 2-hours’ apart geography. And because he gives the best hugs and makes me feel safe and protected when he hugs me, I am very present in those moments and feeling all of the emotions of it strongly. And I can picture easily the memory of the hug the last time I saw him, but guess what? Yep, I see it in this weird third-person way and have no real sense of the emotions of it happening. I mean, I know intellectually what those feelings were, but I don’t feel them!
Good afternoon everyone and welcome to another Music Monday. Today I’m featuring Travelling Waters by Dom La Ferlita a twitch streamer and musician from Melbourne Australia. Dom’s streams are always great fun and hugely entertaining to watch. He does a wide variety of covers my favourite of which is his wonderful rendition of Music Of The Night, which I have featured below.
His streams have some very cool effects to them where you can change the camera angel and some very cute alerts involving penguins (you’ll have to watch the stream to see what I mean. If you’d like to watch Dom on twitch via the link below.
Traveling Waters in the new EP from Dom and features 4 absolutely beautiful piano originals that always help to relax me after a hard day. This EP features:
Dom’s youtube channel also includes a lot of stream highlights and…
If I had a nickel for every time a blog idea has come to me lately when I’m either in the middle of something (like cooking and needing to stir) or driving or have no quick access to paper and pen to jot the idea down….. Well, since I’m only talking in nickels, I’d probably only have enough for a small cup of coffee at the local convenience store, but still… So I’m going to start writing about something that’s been on my mind lately and see where it takes me….
Can you believe it’s been a year now since we were “officially” told that our country was in a pandemic? Remember back in those initial days when we were all struggling to find out what was going on, and when fear made people hoard toilet paper(I still haven’t figured out why that item!) and we faced shortages? Remember when disposable cleaning wipes then became out-of-stock as well (that one makes sense to me). Remember when we were at 100% lockdown except for basic needs companies? Our local Dollar Tree was permitted to remain open because they have about 5 feet of OTC medicines on shelves in the entire store! Convenience stores that also sold gasoline were allowed to remain open and you can sure bet that people also bought milk, soda, prepared hot foods, snacks and cigarettes at the same time. I could still go to see my chiropractor because that was considered essential. I think, if we hadn’t been so afraid and panicked, that we might have found better ways to decide what were and were not essential businesses, or limit those who had some essential products to be allowed to sell only those. In the meantime, employees of essential businesses were expected to go to work every day and take chances with their health, but owners/operators of businesses who only have one customer in the building at a time were closed because their services were considered non-essential. Yet, we wanted those 25 or 30 or 50 or more employees in the grocery stores at the same time plus customers and that was less risky somehow?
And now, we have vaccines and even a simple mind like me understands that a vaccine isn’t a cure, doesn’t make you immune to the virus. I don’t even want to go into that rant!
And now the United States has had over 500,000 deaths as a result of this virus or complications from it. Based on the fact that the last count of people living in the US (2019) was over 328 million, some people consider that “sad” but in comparison to the number of residents living in the country, a relatively low number. I want to ask them this hypothetically: “If you had 328 million in investments and someone swindled you out of 500,000 of those investments, are you likely to think to yourself, ‘oh hey, that’s sad, but I still have plenty of money left so it’s no big deal?'” Yea, I think not!
And we have Trump and DeJoy to thank for what is still happening with the Postal Service because of removing and trashing sorting machines in order to delay mail-in votes (in case they were for Biden). I posted on another social media platform recently that 3 of my 4 recent Priority Mail boxes were not delivered in the time promised and which I paid for! I actually drove 15 minutes out of my way to ship something UPS, which cost me more than the USPS, because of this! I’m not so much angry about the delays, because I realize the USPS is doing the best it can, but if they can’t deliver in the promised time for which I paid, I think some sort of refund should be issued! And now there is talk about privatizing the Postal Service and taking it out of the hands of the executive branch of the federal government. Just think about – imagine – the rise of charges when it is corporation-run and the corporation wants, of course, to make a profit from owning it! We all complain each time the price of stamps rises by a few cents each – imagine the services you are currently receiving are cut in half and the prices for the services we do still offered are doubled. I believe that part of the reason the USPS is in the red is because we all have technology on our side to make getting a message to someone instantaneous! Send a text, send an email… Of course, in another 20 years’ time, no one will even know how to write or use a pen or pencil!
So here we are – a year into the pandemic and honestly, the only thing that’s greatly improved is that you can now once again buy toilet paper!!! The news on the horizon about these new variants of the virus doesn’t look promising for the near future and I’ve read reports that we need to be prepared to still be wearing masks into 2022. When the vaccines first came out, a lot of us were sure we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think we were all naive and that light we see is actually the headlight beam of an oncoming train…
The idea for this blog came from a quick conversation in the comments of another blog. It really got me to thinking about the whole concept of crying men. Socially, going back hundreds of years, men were ‘trained’ to be strong and to show only strength on the outside. Women were ‘trained’ to be the demure, domestic type who would live according to their wedding vows of “love, honor and obey” – yes, obey was used in a female’s marriage vows for many generations until the women’s movement and then it was changed to cherish, which is the same vow a man makes.
That’s a topic for perhaps another blog, however.
It’s no secret that, of the two, women are far more apt to show their emotions in a full range. Men seem to have two main emotions that are shown – calm disinterest and anger. The fact is, I believe, that men are also able to have the same range of emotions internally but have never explored them to their full potential, locking them away if they did not fit into the emotions that it was appropriate for men to express externally.
Consider this: While not all men do, some men get whiny and needy when they are sick with, perhaps, nothing more than a bad cold. They are not crying per say, but expressing a vulnerable neediness that can be masked behind the sickness. They will lie on the couch, huddled under multiple blankets and covers, tissues on the ready and a sad, scrunched up face because they feel poorly. And women feel pity for them and cater to their every whim, akin to mothering them. It’s our nature, a clear definition of the two roles. When a woman is sick with a bad cold, chances are she is up and mobile, tissues at the ready, still doing what needs to be done for her family and household.
Now, I ask you this – in terms of societal ways, who is showing the strength and who is showing the weakness? And the question that beckons is, if man can show weakness and vulnerability at times like these, wouldn’t it surmise that those emotions are a part of their makeup?
Having said all of that, I’m certain that we women don’t want a man who is constantly harboring and showing a “Woe is me” side. But there are times when we think that a man should be able to show emotions, especially tears. Watching your bride walk down the aisle towards you can make you tear up. Holding your child (or each of your children) in your arms for the first time can make you tear up. Standing at the gravesite of a much cherished loved one is worthy of filling your eyes with tears. It is at those times when women will value those tears in your eyes. Perhaps this says it best:
See, guys, women completely understand tears and their purpose. No, we don’t want you to become crybabies, but we DO want to know that you have some emotional being inside of you. After all, there is emotion inside the realm of love, so why not emotion inside the realm of pain?
I don’t know if I’ve made any sense out of this for anyone (not sure that it even makes sense to me!). But I believe I speak for a vast majority of women when I say that it is okay for a man to cry. We understand that tears are often a relief valve when the pressure of our emotions seem to great to hold inside. This is as much true for happy tears (why we cry at weddings) as sad tears! We don’t want you carrying the burden of your emotions so deeply that, without seeing it, those emotions shape your decisions and your thoughts. If it’s okay for men to be angry and yell out of frustration, it’s okay for men to cry tears born out of pain!
If you can have passion for your hobby, your job, your partner, then apply the same energy to your emotions! And that refers not just to the expression of tears (happy or sad). Express those, but express joy, surprise, excitement, as easily as you express your strength and pride (and for some, your ego). You will enrich the relationships of those you hold dear to your heart for the better!
Actually, this is more about the people who need a more complex ID badge – they need an ID-10-T badge.
So far I’ve refrained from responding to things I’ve found on social media, although I’ve had a retort for most of them. Some of them include:
“Texas has been without power now for two days – come on, Biden, you’re the President!” (My immediate thought of a retort was “And Trump had FOUR YEARS to build a wall – how much of that got done in that time?)
“Did you see FLOTUS wearing as scrunchie in her hair in public????” (So stupidly irrelevant that I had no retort.)
“For four years now we’ve had mild winters, suddenly Biden is president and it’s a cold and snowy one!” (My immediate thought for a retort was “That’s because Trump isn’t here to spout off enough hot air to warm the air on its way down!”).
See, here’s the thing – I am open-minded enough to listen to a theory or belief that is different than my own, as long as there is reasonable proof to back up that theory or belief. But, as late as Wednesday, when Trump spoke about the passing of Rush Limbaugh, he immediately turned it around to himself and the fact that he won the election and that Limbaugh believed he won the election. Well, maybe he did – but I haven’t yet located a clip of proof, verbally or in written form – so maybe he didn’t.
People who still refuse to give up their believe that Trump won the election and are, in fact, holding onto that belief so tightly that they are stuck in that place, need an ID-10-T button.
People who spot continual theories of conspiracy and who still believe that proof of this fraud is coming forth need an ID-10-T button. Someone told me just yesterday that the proof is going to be shown on February 19th. I mean, because no one could put their fingers on any proof in each and every one of Trump’s lawsuits, because Mike “The Pillow Guy” spoke that he had proof he intended to deliver in two days time that he spoke (hasn’t happened yet, and that was at least 2 weeks ago). Now, I’m supposed to sit and wait for the proof no one has to be shown? Well, hell, bring it on! I’m not ashamed to admit when I’m wrong. But this is beginning to sound like the story of “Peter and the Wolf” where Peter keeps shouting “wolf” so that people come running to protect him, except there is never a wolf. And he did it so often that, when there actually was a wolf, he shouted and nobody believed him!
So, I’m not doing anything special tomorrow and I’m willing to keep an eye out for this magically appearing proof. I’m also looking forward to texting the person who told me that the next day and ask where it is so I can find it.
The fact that I’m willing to keep an eye out for it might mean I need an ID-10-T button, too!
Wednesday, I ‘accidentally’ ended up watching about three hours of the Trump impeachment trial. I wasn’t in a reading mood after the noontime news, as I usually do, so I was channel-surfing and while the guide said that the show “Daily Access” was on that channel at that time, it had been replaced by the trial. Of all of the new audio and video introduced, the clear visual of seeing one of the rioters using the pole on which was mounted the American Flag to break a window made me sick to my stomach!
I’ve always tried to stay on the outskirts of political news, preferring highlights without having to absorb every little nuance of it. I knew the gist of the second impeachment trial against Donald Trump and I certainly knew that there were compelling reasons for the trial.
Before I sat down the write this post, I looked up the definition of insurrection. I had an assumption of what it meant, but I wanted to make 100% certain. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, insurrection is “an act or instance of revolting against civil authority or an established government.” Pretty much exactly what I thought. (I believe that the police are considered ‘civil authority’ and that the Capitol building is considered an ‘established government’.)
Thursday, I again watched over an hour of the trial, drawn by how compelling and concise the prosecution impeachment leaders represented their case. The timeline was incredible! Again, having stayed on the outskirts of the news, I was made aware of the intricacies of how those among the most loyal were given so many speeches (and tweets) that mirrored suggestion of mounting some sense of loyalty very similar to the cults of the past that we’ve all read about.
There is no question in my mind that Trump is guilty of insurrection. I felt that way before watching some of the trial and the additional information provided there only sealed the fate of that thought. Now, today – Friday – the defense gets ready for their portion of the trial. As usual, I read the highlights of different news stations as the day begins to open. I suppose it’s not shocking to me to hear that the defense lawyers are going to validate what happened and perhaps even agree that it was illegal as well as unconscionable. It’s reported that they want to focus their case simply on the fact that an impeachment trial isn’t constitutional against a politician no longer in office. My question to them is, “Says who?” Where in our Constitution and in all of the amendments since its inception, does it say that? Add weight to the prosecution that the impeachment process started while Trump was still in office!
Oh, I get it – I got it a few days ago. The majority of the Republicans want to find a “way out” of having to vote on Trump’s guilt or innocence to the actual charge. I suspect they are anxious over their fellow Republicans who will be upset if they enter a “guilty” vote, and worse, over the constituents they may lose when their re-election time comes around. Maybe I’m naive, but I can’t process the idea that their biggest desire is to have Trump return to politics!
And then we come back to questioning whether these current politicians in office really believe they are in office to serve the will of the American people. The people, as a whole, elected Biden over Trump as the next President of the United States. Yes, many people voted for Trump, but at the end of the day, the majority did not want him to continue in office.
And what if, what if, Trump is not impeached and chooses to run for office again in four years? Is the Republican Party going to really want him back in their party, back in power? And what if, what if, Trump runs again in four years and loses again? How will the party as a whole look then?
The majority of the American people clearly voted already that they do NOT want Trump to be the country’s President, and I cannot believe that those Republican officials can even think that the majority of the American people will vote for them in their next upcoming re-election if they do not hold Trump accountable. The defense lawyers agree that Trump is guilty of the charge, the Republican politicians know that Trump is guilty of the charge. To look for an ‘easy way out’ legally is pure scapegoating. If it happens, I pray that it will come back in Karma and bite them in the ass!
Que sera, sera – what will be, will be – but I truly, with all that I am, believe that if Trump is acquitted by any means, we will have changed the course of our democracy far beyond what our forefathers ever dreamed for this country. (Maybe if they all roll over in their graves simultaneously, there will be an earthquake, so be careful!)
Ramblings and Ruminations 