Every so often, a spark of an idea about a possible future blog post comes to me and seems so important that I have a file on my desktop for these ‘snippets’ of thoughts. Sometimes, when my muse seems to be resting, I’ll open that folder and see if there is something in it that I can possibly use. Most times, these snippets are the very literary of how I used to write…flowing adjectives in rambling prose that paint a picture for me, and with which I hope to be able to paint a fluid picture for my readers. And most times, I skim through what’s written there and easily decide that I can no longer force myself to write in such literary ways – because, once upon a time, I didn’t have to force it, it simply poured itself into my fingers.
I looked again today, wanting to be certain I could have the concepts (and perhaps drafts) that would allow me to post fairly often. As always, a quick skim through them deemed them all too delicate to mock with a mere attempt to create a more vibrant picture. But I read the last one twice, and wondered what had ever made me think to even jot it down. The snippet reads:
“Funny…. When I love someone, every part of me wants to bring to and do some good in that person’s life. Not so funny…. I’ve never fully succeeded. I wonder if I consider that to be my biggest failure of all?”
What strikes me at this moment is why I think I have the knowledge to know if I have succeeded or failed in my attempt to ‘bring to and do some good‘ in another’s life? Those closest to me would challenge me whole-heartedly that I have, and do, bring good to them. And I’d like to think – in fact, I DO think – that it’s true. So what is this measuring stick that I use which makes me think I’ve never fully succeeded? Is it back to that idea that I hold myself accountable at a much higher expectation than I hold others? Is it that I was taught growing up that the measure of your ‘success’ as a person is based on merits – like good report cards, a solid and important job, etc.? Does my seemingly unconscious desire to give to others stem from an equally unconscious need to earn merits in some way?
This is an interesting conundrum, and may take more internal introspection than this blog article gives me by sharing it. Half of me is excited for this chance for personal growth. The other half of me is focused on the work it may take and is asking, “Why the hell did you open that file?”