Apathy

I stated in an email to my bestie recently that I was feeling apathetic. I decided to look up the word to make sure I’d used it correctly.

“Apathy indicates a state of fatigue and idleness accompanied by an indifference or an absence of emotion and desires. The apathetic patient doesn’t feel emotions, is indifferent to everything, and doesn’t feel like doing anything.”

For someone who is a strong empath and who also suffers from depressive moods now and again, I find myself at odds with the fact that this is exactly how I’m feeling! My bestie and I call it “meh” – describing “meh” as “I just don’t care either way.”

I’ve already discussed the need to become NUMB to the news these days, news which is either political (not in a good way) or about COVID-19 are at the top of every news show these days. I’ve figured out that every idea of both is filled with truth or lies, depending upon one’s own perception. People snarl and fight about having to wear a mask, while others wouldn’t be caught anywhere without one. People snarl, fight and make idiotic remarks about both of the candidates running to be President of the US of A in the November elections. Hydroxychloroquine either does or doesn’t help with coronavirus, depending on which ‘experts’ you choose to believe. Climate change either is or is not something to be worried about, again, depending upon which ‘experts’ you choose to believe.

I think another definition of apathy should include the words wishy-washy. We are a country that simply has become so feeble in stature in our need to be “right” that the need to be right becomes the only thing that matters. I guess my question is, how is it possible to not feel apathy these days? I am certainly not qualified to know which of the opposing ‘experts’ is correct or wrong in any of these things. To be honest, none of us are qualified. It comes down to a gut instinct, and that’s such an individual reaction that it’s almost no wonder why we are divided!

Meanwhile, I can’t help put struggle with what becoming apathetic means to me – it’s nice to have the break from always being highly emotional about anything and everything – my own or someone else’s anything and everything. It’s nice to have a break from the roller-coaster ride of emotions. But, I have to admit, it’s also boring as hell!

The monthly calendar has turned to August. My year-to-date, though my years aren’t always abuzz with activity, has been the most boring time I can recall. I’m joining on the bandwagon of understanding that the coronavirus not only brings physical issues, but mental issues as well. I know I’m bored because I’ve resorted to online window shopping and I LOATHE shopping! Worse, I know I’m bored because I’ve dug out my dance-ersize DVDs and have them ready to load up and play, and I HATE exercising more than I LOATHE shopping! (Light-bulb moment: I don’t hate exercising, I merely HATE feeling sweaty – which I can do on my own without exercise!)

Seriously – the “highlight” of 2020 has been dislocating my shoulder and having to deal with the pain, the strengthening movements, the cupping therapy, the Graston therapy and the ongoing issues. It’s given me something to focus on!

Anyone else suffering like I am?

Random Ramblings

In the past 4 days, I have written and trashed 4 posts. My life seems touched with only little tidbits of things right now and there is nothing to flesh out of any of them.

Last week was the anniversary of the day I was born and it was as quiet as I expected and said I wanted it to be. Ever since a ‘surprise’ birthday party 14 years ago which was just short of sheer torture for me, I’ve insisted that my birthday celebrations be no muss, no fuss. I’m at the age now where shared experiences and memories have far more value than tangible gifts. The pandemic has stopped in their tracks any ideas of experiences, so my wish has been granted. When asked what I want for my birthday or Christmas, my mind draws a blank.

Although I did mention to my chiropractor about his fierce political conversations with patients in my presence, there was another one recently. I found it largely hilarious, though. He and another patient were in agreement that the entire COVID-19 pandemic was initiated by the Democrats in order to discredit Trump from being reelected and that, in their minds, the end of the pandemic would happen in mere days after the November elections. How could I not laugh? The mere audacity to think that one political party in the United States has so much power that it could create a virus that is infecting, and killing, people all over the world is preposterous! Seriously? Seriously???

I am, nonetheless, not happy that Joe Biden is waiting so long to pick his running mate. I don’t know that I think it’s fair to his party or his supporters to not know whom that will be this close to the elections. To be honest, it was 100% Sarah Palin who kept me from even considering John McCain for the position. I couldn’t get past worrying that, should something happen to McCain, she would be left “in charge”.

The heat and humidity upon us here right now also has me in a fit. I suffer in humidity, regardless of the temperature, and when it’s already 80F by 7 AM, I know it’s going to be a scorcher. I miss having central air conditioning! I have window units in my living room and bedroom, but, even with open passageways, that cool air doesn’t ever reach the back of my apartment, where my spare bedroom/office, bathroom and kitchen are. That explains why I haven’t done much cooking – even just using the toaster oven instead of the full oven makes the space warm. When I do cook, which is maybe once or twice a week now, I make enough to have several days of leftovers which can be warmed in the microwave. I made a big serving of a fresh fruit salad last week, gave the bigger half to my bestie and her family and have managed to eat my way through the smaller half in a matter of days. Lunchmeat and cheese with crackers has also become a popular meal for me.

The worst part for me right now is that I’m bored and simultaneously antsy. Lack of energy and boredom do not go well together. The news, as well as TV shows in general, are the same old, same old these days. Add in a still recovering shoulder/arm and lack of central air and I get why I’m a hot (and literally, as well as figuratively, in this instance!) mess!

I have things I should get done, and I have things that would give me a great sense of accomplishment if I’d get them done…. and a voice in my head reminds me that, once I do those things, I won’t have anything left to do and then I’ll be twice as bored. I’m still reading, but not finding it easy to get as caught up in a story line as I usually do, so I read in bits and pieces. I flit between the recliner and couch in the living room and my bed so that I’m always somewhere with cooler air. Time spent on my computer has dropped significantly. Online streams bore me quickly, even the music ones I usually adore.

My mind keeps envisioning the people I thought were “old” back in the days when I didn’t qualify for the word, and how mindless and numbing their days must be. I was right! I’m ready for the cooler days of late September and October where I can at least get out without feeling like a wet rag within moments. And, maybe by September or October, we’ll have a better handle on the coronavirus and be able to enjoy more and more activities without concern for safety.

On the bright side, though – I got a manicure/pedicure and a haircut, and I got a slice plus one bite of good pizza as a birthday treat. I got to keep my appointment to donate blood to the American Red Cross. I do have books to try and read. I’m doing a lot of ‘window shopping’ on Amazon to try and come up with ideas to both give and get for Christmas.

I guess it could be worse?