Thoughts that travel no where but still exist….(and other stuff thrown in!)
Although not my usual type of post, this speaks in volumes, and reminds me of someone I used to be. I’ve shared it in various ways on social media, I’ve shared it with specific persons whom I hoped would find truth, and I’m sharing it here as well. I hope it speaks to you.
How about both? A fellow blogger, Kate Crimmins, recently posted what I quote here as part of her post at Views and Mews by Coffee Kat (you can follow her at https://coffeekatblog.com): “An extroverted introvert – Yes there is such a thing. I get energy off of people but in large doses they make me cranky, irritable and homicidal. The past ten days social engagements have piled on top of each other. That’s a lot of being nice. Way over my limit. This past Friday was the first day without a scheduled people event. I was ecstatic. I don’t like to go too long without people interaction but I love my alone time. Next week is all about me, me, me!”
I’d never have thought up that label, but it fits me pretty well! If asked to choose, most people who know me would classify me as an extrovert because they have always seen me appear confident in social settings. (Note the word “appear”). My career in the hospitality industry made it necessary, so I learned to don that mask and perform well with it. Yet, and especially as I get older, I’ve never really had much tolerance for crowds. Even team-building exercises with a small group always made me uncomfortable. Yet I learned to be able to express myself because it was expected.
And yet, I feel very shy around strangers. Beyond the hello and nice to meet you line, I struggle to initiate a conversation. Fortunately, I learned early on the idea is to ask questions and get the other person to talk about themselves. And fortunately, most people are more than eager to talk about themselves. I can walk away from a conversation with a stranger and all they can tell you about me is that I’m a good listener. I’ve never liked to talk about myself except in private conversations with people I trust. I detest being the center of attention for any reason (even with friends I trust).
Even my Zodiac sign, which I don’t put much stock in, says I’m an introvert!
And yes, I like being alone. I like being alone a LOT! Like Kate, I need to feed off the energy of others from time to time, but I’ve become very content with my own self for company. My tolerance for crowds of people continues to diminish as I age, as well as my tolerance for high levels of noise.
And yet, if you read my blog, you find that I have strong opinions and the ability to put them into words. Talking is the sign of an extrovert, while listening is a sign of an introvert. And that’s why I’m so ecstatic to find out that I’m not the only one with some of both. Of course, in this case, talking actually means writing…performing these words orally for others would have me petrified!
So, from now on, I’m going to label myself as an extroverted introvert – or maybe an introverted extrovert – allowing myself to be some of each.
What about you? Do you clearly classify as one or the other, or are you also some of each?
The dictionary defines this two letter, one syllable word as a conjunction that introduces a conditional clause. The word if, as a conjunction, is impossible to use without a spoken, or implied, use of the word then. Every comment that starts out with an “if” will need “then” to imply the condition.
If, for being such a short word, holds upon its shoulders the millions of wishes that man makes. Think about it in this way: If I were richer, then __________. If I were smarter, then _______. If I were prettier, then _________. If I were thinner, then ___________. Every one of us has used this conditional clause, and sadly, it is most used in a personally negative way. We use the if/then as a way to point out our shortcomings – all the things that we perceive would be better in our lives “if only” something were different.
But seldom do we take any necessary steps to make the changes to make the condition of this phrase possible. And yet, each of the things about which we lament are possible, if we are willing to put some effort into achieving them.
Ah, but isn’t it much easier to somehow blame it on the universe that we haven’t achieved them rather than take personal responsibility?
What IF we changed the structure of those phrases? For example, “If I were more careful with my spending, then I could be richer.” “If I took some additional steps in learning, then I could be smarter.” “If I worked on my wardrobe to make it more stylish for my figure, then I could be prettier.” “If I paid close attention to my food intake and tried to be more active, I could be thinner.”
But that’s the hard way to do it. It’s so much easier to lament on things we wish for in our lives that we are not willing to put effort into achieving.
I want to challenge you. The next time you have an “if only” thought, reverse the wording as I showed you, then decide if this is really a goal you want to achieve. If so, go after it! If you’re not willing to make steps to change the “if only” thought, then quit wasting your time and energy focusing on it!
Also, quit wasting your time on thoughts of “…if only I had, then _______________.” You can’t change the past. But the past doesn’t have to be your future.
If the saying is true that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, then I should be able to lift – oh, at least the rear-end of an old VW Beetle by now!
I have been procrastinating, for well over a week, about changing out the SIM card to switch my cell phone service from Sprint to xfinity Mobile. On the surface, it seemed like an easy task, but you know what ‘assuming’ does. Part of me wanted to wait until my upcoming visit with my beloved brother, but a little part of me wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.
The beginning was easy, all done online. I got all of the information ready, even digging out the old scratchy notes I took from when I first contracted with Sprint. These notes provided me my Apple icloud address and security code as well. Off I go…. breezing through providing the right information for my billing from Sprint so it could be verified.
Success! Now it’s time to activate the phone by changing out the SIM card. A little tool was provided, and it took me several attempts to get the part of the case open, but I finally got it done. I was careful to focus on the exact layout of the old card as I took it out so I’d be sure to put the new one in the same way. Closed the little door and restarted the phone.
More success! I was feeling pretty empowered and proud of myself!
I now understand the phrase, “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.” After turning the phone back on, I got an “Activation Lock” screen requiring my Apple ID and password. However, I kept getting a message telling me that the ID or password was incorrect. Since this is my only Apple product, I knew I had the correct ID. I finally got on the laptop and went to Apple support and changed my password. That didn’t work, even after restarting the phone.
I wouldn’t go through every detail of what transpired next…suffice it to say that I was on the phone with the new carrier, who couldn’t help me. I chatted (after a 20-minute wait in queu) online with Sprint to verify that my phone was, indeed, unlocked. I got onto Apple support. $50 and 2-1/2 hours later, between my initial agent and a specialist, we were finally able to get the thing unlocked!
So, was I successful? I guess the answer is yes… as long as I don’t think about the $50 ($10 of it was a bonus I was able to tack onto my review of the initial agent), who was so patient, or the fact that I spent 4 hours’ time to make myself successful.
On the bright side, I’ll be able to enjoy the time with my brother this week without us having to deal with this task. And, on the bright side, I’ll be saving $40 a month average with this switch, so with the costs to get it done, that means I’ll break even the first month before I start saving $40 a month.
Now, all that is left to do is call Sprint and cancel. Again, I don’t like not having the option to cancel online, but it’s one more phone call…. And then, all of the technology I planned on upgrading/changing will have been completed and I won’t have this stress in my life for a while!
When I was growing up, in addition to my siblings, parents and an occasional odd pet, our house was inhabited by a little green man. Now, in all of my years of living there, I’d never seen him, nor, I suspect, did anyone else. But I recall clearly, when something was broken/spilled/etc. and my mother asked which of us had done it, to which we all replied, “Not me!”, she would sometimes say that the little green man must have done it.
It didn’t take us long to realize, as we got older, that mom had merely decided that, whatever ‘crime’ had been committed, it wasn’t worth dragging the truth from us. I do remember a time when, asked of us who had done something, my older brother defiantly answered, “The little green man”. That got him a smack in the face!
I’d largely forgotten about the little green man for years. But lately, not only do I think my home might be inhabited by its own little green man, I’m beginning to think he brought some friends along who are inhabiting my body!
Every so often, I walk into a room, something catches my eye, and I ponder, “Now how did that get there?” Other times, I swear I know exactly where I left something, only to return and find that it is NOT there! Obviously, a little green man is sneaking around and moving things when I’m not looking!
And my body! Surely it must be filled with little green gremlins with odd senses of humor! How else can I explain the physical twinges of pain that come and go in an instant when I am perfectly still? How else can I explain that sudden urge that pulls me to the freezer at odd hours of the night and demands that I eat several large spoons full of ice cream? And since I mentally make a list of things I want to accomplish each morning, then find my body craving a nap before I’ve started, can’t that surely can be contributed to the tiredness of those same gremlins who had me standing in front of the freezer in the middle of the night?
Was my mother right? Do all homes have a little green man who resides within their walls? And maybe, just maybe, are the little green gremlins invading my body a punishment for those few (especially compared to my brothers) times when it was me who had done something bad and not the little green man? Is this the karma he wished on me those times I let him take the blame?
I suppose I’ll never know…
…there was a gal who had always enjoyed writing. She had written articles for the humane society, articles that were published into pamphlets for a psychological practice, and multiple poems (which were never published). Many of her bosses liked her ability because they could give her two or three sentences and she could make them into two or three paragraphs, at least enough to make a letter an adequate length to send.
In her life, this gal had a man enter who was able to be an earthly muse, encouraging her to write, encouraging her to ignore syntax, grammar and punctuation and just let words flow. With him in her life, words poured – sometimes only a sentence or two, sometimes paragraphs that seemed to go on for an eternity.
When he left her life, she stopped writing except for what was necessary. It seemed obvious to her that it was his energy and presence which allowed her to turn words into glorious visualizations. Without his energy, she couldn’t draw two words together in a meaningful way, much less into a sentence or paragraph that spoke from her heart.
Several (many) years later, she stumbled across a printed version of those many words – and they moved her so much that she decided she wanted to share them. They were, indeed, glimpses into not only her mind, but her heart and spirit as well. She tucked those pages away, not quit knowing if she was willing to be vulnerable enough to share them.
When her beloved brother started blogging, she thought that a blog might be a way she could share these words, share the thoughts and create the same visuals she got whenever she read them. Still, she put it off…
One day, a content creator who does wonderful vlogs made a comment to his audience to “quit saying it and start doing it.” That phrase struck her, and she realized that the time was right now or never. She knew she could easily share the pages of words she had written in a way to make for several posts.
And this blog began. She named it “Ramblings and Ruminations” because it felt to her that what she had on hand fit that description. The first entry was on April 3, 2019. She thought she’d only have these pre-written words to share, but suddenly saw that she had a lot to say. Some of it was opinion, some of it was helpful hints, some of it was advice.
I wanted to share this story with you as a way of honoring 50 posts now available on my blog. The “ramblings and ruminations” portion is only 4 of those 50. I guess she was right – she does have a lot to say! In fact, I believe I can say with authority that “once upon a time” doesn’t only exist in fairy tales!
This journey, while still in its infant stage, has changed my life in so many ways. By blogging and reading others’ blogs, I’ve re-energized my personal growth journey, which hadn’t seen much activity since I retired. It has brought – and continues to bring – many ways in which I’ve become much truer to my authentic self. I’m learning to love myself for who I am and I’ve quit trying to be who I think others want me to be. This part of my blogging journey has been the greater gift.
Still, as I continue to share in my blog, I hope I’ve brought insight and help to those who read it. Being vulnerable continues to make me a little anxious, but it helps me to focus my attention on those who accept the “real” me and stop spending energy trying to hide the real me.
To my readers and followers, thank you for following me as I ramble through a lot of subjects, writing whatever is on my mind that I think is worthy of sharing. I am honored by your presence. And here’s to another 50 blog posts!
I admit that I am, for the most part, self-taught by what I can do on a computer. I am old enough to vaguely remember manual typewriters, easily remember electric typewriters and even remember using a DOS prompt when computers first came out.
I also admit that I am limited in what I do with a computer. Emails, limited social media, online games, online banking/bill paying and, of course, blogging take up 99% of the time I spend on it. Having said that, I probably easily average 4 hours a day sitting in front of this screen.
I wrote an earlier entry about my anxiety of changing over to a new laptop and how it was so much easier than I ever could imagine. And I was proud…until the day I needed to print something and couldn’t get my printer connected properly. Of course, I contacted HP support online (only slightly better than having to do it by telephone!) and spent quite some time with Vincent, the agent. He logged into my computer and ran a whole bunch of programs while I watched – fascinated – on my screen. Eventually, he found that, in the short 3 weeks I had been using the new laptop, I’d ended up with multiple viruses! Seriously? I don’t download anything from anyone unless they are very trusted. I don’t even open spam mail, whether it shows an attachment or not. I could not fathom how I could have several unknown origin viruses in, again, just 3 weeks!
I learned that some viruses can come into your modem without needing you to do anything. This was not good news! (Of course, that explains why I go through laptops every 3 or so years!) All of those brand-name firewalls you purchase can’t fight these – the only way to do it is to block them right at the modem from ever getting through.
Long story short – I paid about the same amount for one of those firewall programs to have a program installed onto my laptop that protects the modem from the viruses. I chose the 5-year plan (imagine me having the same laptop for 5 years!) and it includes 24-hour phone access to this agent for any reason my computer decides to not function.
Is it working? I can only assume so, since I haven’t had any issues of any kind since it was installed. I told Vincent I would be calling him back within the year to run the same program he ran that showed the viruses. I want to see a screen before me that says “no viruses found”!
I am also going to admit that I am even slightly more inept when it comes to cell phones. Again, I’m old enough to remember rotary phones – desktop and wall-mount – with the long stretched out cords. I thought I was “big stuff” when I got the bag phone, technology’s first attempt at a cell phone. Now, I have a cell phone with all kinds of programs and stuff, and I use it for texts 99% of the time, and the other 1% is to get information I need to find right away when I’m not at my laptop. I use less than 2GB a month total.
So, is technology more pro than woe? In so many ways, it makes our lives so much easier. Information about anything can be found on the “world wide web” with just a few keystrokes. Checking in on and seeing what your family and friends are up to is easy with social media. Online shopping and its conveniences has many perks. Paying a bill is streamlined when you don’t have to write a check or pay for a postage stamp.
But I am concerned that society has become so tied to the internet (through whatever means – cell phone, computer, fancy wrist watch) that human interaction becomes unnecessary. Brick and mortar stores are continuing to close – or go bankrupt – as online shopping becomes the more preferred and convenient way to purchase things. Even the postal service continues to lose money because we don’t send mail in the quantities that we used to.
And we don’t talk to each other anymore! Communication is handled through a text, or if the message is more complicated, through an email. Not to mention that we are paying such close attention to our phones that we don’t even bother to acknowledge a person walking by us, much less offer them a smile or a simple “hello”. We are becoming a society so involved with the pros of technology that we don’t consider the woes of the loss of human contact!
And, at least to me, the biggest crime is that, when we are in moments of human interaction, we’re so keenly aware of what ever signal our device gives us to announce activity that we divert our attention, even if only for a moment, to see what it is. Nothing says, “Wait, this might be more important than you are” in quite the same way!
This society needs to find a balance if we are going to continue as humankind. I’m not against technology – it makes many things more convenient in my life – but, as I always tell people, “I do not live on my phone”. My phone is on a charger in my bedroom and honestly, I check the weather with more consistency than I do anything else. As for the computer, I can only say that I have no desire to actually learn how to do more on it than what I have taught myself to do. My balance comes from spending quality time with my beloved brother (conversation never stops), time with my bestie, Joanne, and her family, and my commitment with the same bestie for lunch once a month that’s just our time. Those things, plus the other fun things we find to do together, plus hanging out with people my brother knows whenever I visit him, make sure that I am keeping human interaction a priority in my life.
How are you at keeping a balance between human interaction and technology?
We know how easily it is to outgrow something. Clothes that no longer fit are the first thing we think of. A new family might outgrow its sporty cars so there is room for the little one entering their care. An expanding family might outgrow its small home when additional little ones make the space seem crowded. We outgrow our décor, feeling it no longer makes the statement of who we are today. We even outgrow our childish visions of what we thought our adult life would look like.
But in addition to WHAT we outgrow, there is also WHO we outgrow. It is possible, in fact, highly probable, that we will outgrow many people throughout our lives. There is that old saying, “Some people come into your life for a season, some people come into your life for a reason and some people come into your life for a lifetime.” If we’re lucky, we have “old” friends – old not by age but by how long they have been a part of our lives. We may not have a lot of contact with them, but they still have occasional activity in our lives and they have earned a place in our hearts forever.
But think for a moment about all of the people who were once a very active part of your life with whom you no longer have contact…those people who were with you for a season (or two) but no longer see the path you’re traveling on. Sometimes that is our decision, but sometimes it’s theirs. In either case, one person has OUTGROWN the need for the other in their lives. These can be people from our professional lives and our personal lives. Along the way, we meet people who, in some way, mentored or taught us. They were put in our lives for that reason. But once they have given you what they have to give, their impact in your life becomes less important and less meaningful.
Sometimes we simply outgrow people because we are on a path of self-growth and development and they no longer “fit” with us. Maybe, we spend time trying to create a relationship that is in balance, only to find that the other person’s presence in our lives only causes unbalance. And that’s okay, too! Anything or anyone whose presence disrupts you on your path no longer has value in your life. And despite the feelings of sadness and potential guilt, you have to be true to yourself and value yourself enough that you are still willing to let go. You are not at fault for having priority shifts in your life – in fact, it’s necessary to live a good life! Think of it this way: Before children came along, a husband goes out with his buddies to shoot some hoops whenever he can. His wife goes out for some retail therapy or drinks and chatter with her girlfriends at least once a week. Then, poof! There is a new baby in the house. Priorities are going to change! And maybe the buddies will fade away because basketball was their common denominator. Maybe the girlfriends, after initially cooing over the new little one, will feel like you don’t have time for them anymore and shift their circle away.
It’s taken me a bit to forgive myself for those people I’ve had to walk away from simply because they unbalanced my personal path for growth. The guilt comes from realizing that they are the same person they always were, but it’s you who has changed. No matter how difficult it is to end that relationship, we know that holding on to disruptive things – and people – in our lives slims our chance to grow fully. In these cases, we need to find a way to tell them that it’s nothing they’ve done wrong. Feelings will be hurt. It is a necessary evil. To let the relationship continue, or even dangle, only postpones the inevitable. When the choice comes to live with the guilt of ending a relationship or choose to stay in it and inhibit our own lives, the answer becomes clear. Sometimes you’ve just got to do what you’ve got to do!
I wanted to write you in words so alive
They’d jump from the paper and land in your heart.
I wanted to write you in words of such passion
They’d sear you with heat that stirred deep within.
I wanted to write you of love oh, so true,
Unleashing any doubt of my loyalty to you.
I wanted to write you all this and more…
And then I realized that words are only necessary after love has gone…
The words themselves that we use to describe the season of winter are as terse in sound as the season itself – bitter, blustery, biting, chilling, arctic – all resonate with a sharply negative sound that feels much like the season as it bears down on us. Mired in layers of clothing as we fight Mother Nature’s determination to steal our body heat. Snowflakes at first laced with serene beauty and peacefulness as they fall from the skies become piles of dirty debris and stone as they are moved aside to allow us to attempt at our daily routines. Children clamor in the morning with hopes to hear of a school closing – or at least a delay – while parents stress over how to accommodate them should they occur.
Winter is certainly a child’s season. Sledding and snowmen, snow angels and snowball fights are “fun” for the young. Oblivious to the cold, they romp and dance in a fresh snowfall like a ballerina on stage…. fingers and toes tingling and noses running to be ignored in exchange for the vigorous need to stretch their limbs…to laugh with glee and childish joy…
The foods we tend to enjoy in this coldest of seasons reflect our desire for warmth – stews and hearty soups become a regular fare on the menu from which we will feed ourselves. Oh, and we will indulge…no longer hostage to the swimsuit diets of summer… sweatshirts and sweatpants replace shorts and a tee – good at hiding those extra layers we put on our bodies in an attempt to provide even more warmth to them. And the holidays of the winter season allow us to over-indulge our palettes as well… turkey, ham and all of the traditional trimmings. And there will be dessert with these meals, which we’ll make room for in our stomachs no matter how much we’ve eaten. Holidays are causes for celebration and while the children are more interested in the gifts, the adults are more interested in a pretty table laden with our finest dishes – bowls and platters over-flowing with the food items we “save” for a holiday meal.
Nonetheless, the season of winter keeps us on edge – always concerned about events even beyond school days that are scheduled to occur and may have to be cancelled. We listen intently to weather reports….the merest hint of an impending storm has us rushing to the store for necessities – like the squirrels feeling the change in weather and hurriedly searching for food that will keep them fed when the ground is covered with snow…
And the trees – stripped bare of leaves except for the hearty evergreen – whose boughs toss and curl in the gusts of wind – become laden and bent with snow as it falls and sticks to them….
After the holidays, the real ‘feel’ of winter becomes ominous. No longer gatherings and celebrations to look forward to and plan for… life becomes a routine that is mundane and without change – we fight our internal desire to hibernate inside while we cringe against the undaunting task of bundling up for a trip outside. We admonish ourselves for all of those times, during the heated and humid summer, when we wished for colder weather.
Winter is. Unlike the other seasons, it shows no great changes as it passes. Except for the avid skiers, most of us wish for a ‘mild’ winter. We feel stagnant, and daylight dawns too late while dusk falls far too early. Grumbling about driving to work and home again in the dark… grumbling as the wicked wind finds its way through our deepest coats to chill us… grumbling because the dog needs let out… grumbling about the heating bill… grumbling because the kids are full of energy and have nowhere to expend it… grumbling because we need to take the trash out… just grumbling about what seems like an eternity of time as this season slowly passes… Relying on our faith that spring will eventually come, according to Mother Nature’s plan, and wishing she’d just get on with it already…
If we’re lucky, the first hints of spring do finally show themselves sooner than later… a melting of the now detested piles of old snow, the first flower of spring peeking its head above the barren ground, the joy at seeing what we know as “the first robin of spring”. Anticipation begins to build slowly as we wait for the genesis of spring to show itself, our guarantee that we’ve somehow successfully muddled through the deviousness of winter… Soon, our schedules of coming and going each day will appear at the onset of dawn and end at the onset of dusk…
Hope renews – that is the gift that spring gives us with its arrival – and we take notice of the changes in the outside world with zealousness… buds on trees, the sounds of birds, grass starting to be green instead of brown… crocus and forsythia showing off in delight that they, too, have survived, followed by daffodils, tulips and hyacinths. We await the days until we’re 100% sure we can stash those heavy coats, gloves, scarves and boots that have laden us. We don’t think about the onset of summer and those summer days when we’ll be again wishing for the cold weather that has just released us from its torment…
Living life, to me, seems like the seasons. We adjust through the changes, grumble about the ones we don’t like (winter), glory in the ones we do like (spring) and just get busy living life the rest of the time (summer and autumn). Our moods tend to elevate and ebb according to the seasons as well. If only we could have the same hope, when within our mood of winter, that spring will revive us…
I live in a place with 4 seasons. I still prefer cold over hot. I couldn’t imagine living in a place without snow, I couldn’t imagine Christmas without thinking it will be cold. (I admire my friends in the southern hemisphere who celebrate this holiday in what is the middle of their summer.) What each circle of seasons teaches me is to have faith that things will not remain just as they are at a given moment… that living life is also a cycle with its goods and bads in each cycle… and the best we can ever hope for is to be alive for the next cycle….
(P.S. If you’re in the midst of the heat wave starting today and lasting through the weekend here in my part of the country, I hope this made you think “cool” while you read it!)
Ramblings and Ruminations 