It’s All Trash

I’ve got a folder on my laptop entitled, “Future Blog Ideas”. In it are memes and one- or two-line phrases of thoughts quickly inspired by a moment but which need more fleshing out in order to become actual posts. Additionally, I’ve got two partially written posts in draft on here and a third partially written post I’ve already moved to the trash file.

Right now, it’s all trash. I didn’t feel that way when I collected the ideas or started out writing a post. But I’ve looked at and re-looked at it for several days now, and it all continues to be uninspiring.

I don’t know why I feel that way about it. I’ve internally inspected myself the last same days to see if I recognize any thoughts or behaviors which, from experience, have been pre-cursors to a depressive episode. Nothing is there. I don’t feel sad, or melancholy or even what my bestie and I call “meh”. Honestly, I don’t feel much of anything.

At this time last week, something big happened that rocked the world for everyone that was a part of a community I’d been involved with for about 8 months. Alleged accounts of predatory sexual behavior and racism both came to light in a very short amount of time within the community. As a result, the rest of the community sat angrily, waiting for those allegations to be addressed. Instead, the community leaders made known that, quickly, without warning and without addressing those issues, the community was being disbanded and the doors to the community meeting place were being locked shut. I felt a whole lot then – anger and horror for the members who had invested a lot of energy and time into making the community grow. I also felt helpless – unable to find a way to make things better for those who were hit the hardest by the decision to lock us out. And I felt sad about the loss of this community, where many people had become like family to me.

Fortunately, another place for us to gather had always been available, and much of the community rallied to go there and bring the greatness within us back to life. As much as this other place to gather was a lot more inconvenient to me, I didn’t want to lose being with these great people, so I agreed to meet there as well. From the outside looking in, one would interpret that nothing has changed except the venue that holds our meetings. The people are the same great people inside it, but it just doesn’t feel ‘homey’, for lack of a better word, like the other place always did.

Perhaps my struggle with that is why everything else I can think about to pen here feels like trash. Maybe I’ve lost some of my footing and don’t know where to go with whatever thoughts or feelings I’m having. Maybe having this happen – and have it affect so many people – makes me think that all of my thoughts and feelings just don’t seem to matter in the grander scheme of things.

I like having a blog. I like this source where I can go and be authentic behind the anonymity of a computer screen. I’ve often told others that blogging is something that often allows me to ‘let it go’ and then grasp again a sense of sanity. I’ve never thought that my blog posts were trash. But to be honest, I just feel like writing blog posts is a chore right now.

I know I’m not alone. I follow other blogs in which the writers have stated this same funk. But I still feel like I should be able to overcome it – because I’ve overcome far more complex emotional ‘funks’ before. Or maybe….maybe being in a funk and being a bit numb to my emotions is exactly where I need to be right now. Nothing has changed on either the political or pandemic crises and it’s getting old. In a sense, it’s like the old ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ feeling. And we all know that patience is not my strong suit! If the asshole in office in this country is going to be reelected for a second term, if a second wave of the virus is going to once again plague the country (and world), then just DO IT ALREADY!

Maybe I’m just afraid to have hope that things will improve because there is a good chance that they won’t. Whatever it is, I just wanted to alert my readers that my posts may be sporadic in the coming future, unless they correlate to things I can share – like hacks – that don’t require me to feel. Anything else is trash.

4 thoughts on “It’s All Trash

  1. Take a breath. Blogging is supposed to add to your life. But it shouldn’t be adding anxiety. Let the blog go for a bit, if need be. Nothing horrible will happen. Hope the light shines a bit brighter for you soon! Love you and only a phone call away!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Your personal standards are very high and you may be feeling that you are not meeting them by not publishing every day. Please don’t make your blog a chore. If so, you will burn out and hate it. Take a break; publish as you are comfortable. Lift that burden! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. First and foremost, please know that my heart and prayers are with you. I get exactly where you’re coming from. I’m in agreement with the 2 comments before me.

    We have been living in absolutely chaotic times. Even when someone isn’t actively ‘engaging’ with the drama, stress and overwhelm, the impact is still felt. It does become draining. If you are someone who feels strongly what others around you are feeling – it creates a sense of needing to check out and simply be… I’ve kind of been in that funky space myself this last week or two. What you describe with, “It’s all trash” is a very familiar feeling. Know this: it isn’t trash. It just isn’t your treasure right in this moment.

    Right now, you may need to take a breath. Take care of you. Get extra sleep if you need it. Sit back and just allow the stillness to envelop you. Pray if you feel led. If not, just be still. But whatever you do, don’t feel pressured to blog. I agree with the previous comment – burn out leads to further frustration. Sometimes our creative flow needs a break to release again. When the environment is this emotionally charged, it’s critical.

    I am so deeply sorry for what happened in your community. It sounds like a very troubling situation to add to an already troubling pandemic. It’s no wonder that you need time to just process. Don’t feel guilty for stepping away. We will be here and your trash will soon feel like treasure once more. I look forward to all the inspiration that will come…in its own sweet time. Until then, be encouraged that you are doing exactly what you need to do. 🌺 Sending my very best love & encouragement your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Holly, thank you! I am already implementing your great advice to just sit back and spending much less time at my laptop. I recognized recently how much time I spent here investing in anything that took me away from the outside world and all of the current chaos. What I’ve been left with, after removing many of those things, is my blog and you’ve helped me recognize that I’m putting subconscious effort on myself for it to be more because it’s all that I have left to spend time on/with. Thank !you for showing me that

    Liked by 1 person

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