Okay, there are several ways to raise my blood pressure that are activated by things or people over whom I have no control. My doctor noticed back in September that my blood pressure spiked to some very unhealthy levels and, when checked again in November had stayed at those very high levels. So, add yet another medication (better living through chemistry). Pretty much living in this world with crazy people and crazy happenings spikes my blood pressure! But what I want to focus this post on is phrases people say as habit. Here are a few:

“Not to be mean, but…” My last roommate would use this phrase whenever he wanted to say something negative about someone else, thinking it clarified that he wasn’t saying it because he wanted to be mean but because he wanted to speak his “truth”. The problems with starting a comment with those words are several. First and foremost, the speaker already knows that there is a good chance that what is about to be said will, indeed, be mean (remember, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all?). And 99 out of 100 times, the statement that follows is not a form of valid or scientific proof about someone, but the speaker’s true feelings and opinions about someone. Examples: “Not to be mean, but he deserved to be fired.” “Not to be mean, but she flirts with every man she thinks is attractive, regardless of the fact that she’s married.” “Not to be mean, but she always finds a way to make herself look like the victim, even if she was the instigator.” I mean, I have opinions about other people, and in trusted company, I may state them, but I’m more likely to pre-qualify my statement with something like, “In my opinion,…” It may well be something that will sound ‘mean’ to another, but I’m not hiding the fact that it is my opinion only, whether it sounds mean or not.

“Do you want me to tell you the truth?” I tend to respond at that question with, “No, this is a test to see how well you can lie.” I mean seriously, have you ever asked a question specifically hoping for a lie? Yea, I know, I know, women will say something like “Do these jeans make me look fat?” and every person knows that ‘YES’ is never the right answer. But I can easily think of answers that tell the truth in a very vague way. “Well, they do fit you like a second skin” or “Well, they do make sure every curve of your body is accentuated”. Let’s be truthful, women – we already intimately know about our physical stature in every place of our body. We know if we have a beer gut, or if we walk out of a door, it takes a few seconds for our derriere to make it out the door after the rest of our body. “Does my hair look okay?” “Well, if you’re going for a wash and go look, you nailed it” or “The gel you used to lacquer it in place makes it really shiny and reflective of light.”

Similar to that, and perhaps even worse is “Not gonna lie” (which has already earned the acronym of ngl). I immediately begin to ponder if there were other times that this person did lie to me since they made sure I know that this time they wanted to tell me the absolute truth.

On a different note, I really detest when a server comes over to collect a payment for a bill, doesn’t see a credit card standing up out of the folio, assumes the customer is paying by cash and asks, “Do you want change back?’ While the intent may be to save the very busy server having to return to the table with change that the guest is going to leave as a tip, but it comes across as both self-serving and intimidating. What I hear is the unsaid statement of, “You are going to tip me, right?” Personally, I think it’s up to ME to say, “We don’t need change” if I want the server to keep the change as a tip. When I am asked, my answer is always, “Yes, please” and most times, I will leave that exact change (and sometimes a coin or two less to make a point) as my tip.

Ah, and then there’s shopping in a grocery store and, as you head to or reach checkout, an associate asks you, “Did you find everything you needed?’ I admit that, during the worst of the pandemic, this question was deleted because there was a better chance that the answer would be “no” than “yes”. What bugs me is that I can be asked that question and, if my answer is “no”, I’m likely to hear something to the effect of, “Oh, I’m sorry we’re out of stock on that.” Well first off, associate, unless you are personally responsible for inventory, then ordering and receiving and stocking that product, your apology is not warranted nor even appropriate. I mean, what does it take to keep a little notepad and writing utensil in the pocket of your smock so you can take it out and make a note of that for the store manager? Okay, there’s probably only a 50-50 chance you’ll give the note to the manager and then a 50-50 chance the manager will follow up on it. But the effort of that small act of making a note suddenly makes your question seem more valid and boosts the customer’s feeling like they are being heard.

If you are at least as old as I am, chances are that you have heard the words, “Thank you for shopping at K-Mart” at the end of every check-out you had in that store. I trained in the cashier lane even though that wasn’t where I’d be working (I was in charge of sending defective items back to where we bought them from for refund), so I uttered those words more than I ever wished to. But me, being me, had to jazz it up and make the customer hopefully smile, if not, then at least roll their eyes or shake their heads as they walked away. Try these on for size: Thank YOU for shopping at K-Mart. Thank you for choosing to shop at K-MART. Thank you for shopping at OUR K-Mart. Any small change in verbiage or inflection on tone alerted the customer because, no matter how small the change, it was something unexpected. But oh, any time a retail establishment insists its employees say the same thing to each and every customer, it makes me feel the company doesn’t see me as anyone a paying guest, and my experience isn’t truly important.

And here’s one that’s a bit personal to me and it makes me cringe every time I hear it. A person walks to a desk, rolling a suitcase. The person behind the desk asks, “Are you checking in?” Oh, did I mention that the desk is at an airline boarding gate or in the lobby of a hotel? Are you checking in? No, I promised my suitcase we’d go out for a walk after dinner, and we just thought we’d stop in to see the place. No, I’m trying to distract you while my cohort in crime steals a painting from the wall over there. If you must be the one to initiate contact, why not simply ask how you can help him/her?

I’m going to veer here just because there is something I do by routine that I want to offer to others. I’m a door holder for others or easily allow people to enter into a doorway before I do. I bet I’m not alone in that habit with my readers. And more often than not, we get a mumbled ‘thank you’ for doing so. Do you say, “You’re welcome” in automatic return? Here we are again, the same expected words said over and over that are no longer unique. I, instead, smile and say, “My pleasure.” Just two words, three syllables, but it changes the dynamic of the few words and actions that occurred. And for me, “my pleasure” really is spot on for how I feel about committing that small kindness. After all, we already know that I enjoy doing things for other people, and so something as small and fleeting as holding a door fills me with that kind of joy I get when doing something for another. One day I just became aware of that joy and realized that what I do brings me pleasure, and I should announce that. For the person who ‘gets it’ (IYKYK) it acknowledges that what I have done has not only been something I’ve done for them, but it acknowledges that this person – this absolute stranger – did something nice for me in allowing me to do it in the first place!

I hope some of you will try mixing up your words and intonations, to take the dreary and automatic response away, and find a unique way to say something that is unique to the conversation. And hey, if you’re being bold, compliment their coat, scarf, shoes, how clean their car looks when there has been mud or road ashes on everything that can be driven on. Having the chance to so easily make someone have a moment of positivity as we go is a habit we can – and should – be doing.

What phrase(s) make(s) YOU shudder???