Active vs. Passive

Whenever I hear the words “active” and “passive” used in the same sentence, my mind immediately goes to the sense of someone trying to sell me on some idea in which, if I actively invest now, I will be able to sit back and collect passive income from that investment. I tend to be 100% cynical about those types of offers, so when I hear or see one, I’m immediately tuned out – no interest – not quite that dumb – ain’t gettin’ my money –

Recently, while I was writing and researching about depression (my last post), I came across an article that stated that what some people think is depression in someone is simply someone who lives a passive lifestyle. I’ve vaguely mentioned having someone be concerned about my socialization, or lack thereof. I’ve been struggling with that thought, and I did recently recognize that in the 7-1/2 years I’ve lived in Pennsburg, my socialization (lack of) has been the same! I’m having difficulty understanding why this is suddenly an issue, all the while realizing that this person’s life has had some major changes recently, and it’s HER lifestyle that has changed, not mine, and just because I don’t want to do the things she does to keep herself occupied doesn’t mean I don’t socialize. I mentioned in my last blog that I’m not interested in making new acquaintances simply because we share a commonality. I also don’t consider every person I’ve ever interacted with a friend just because I know him/her.

For 7-1/2 years, I have gone to appointments for hair, nails and all things medical. I am a ‘regular’ at my grocery store of choice, so I’ve gotten to know a few of the employees well enough to have a small interaction when possible. I make an occasional run to Walmart (when necessary) and go to the Dollar Tree store since it’s right there too. I occasionally go to the UPS store if I have to ship something or have an Amazon return. For several years, my bestie and I tried to meet for lunch on the last Friday of every month at her quitting time from work so we could spend time together one-on-one. I am on Facebook and involved actively in two groups – one about books and reading (DOH!) and one about things Pennsylvania Dutch. Honestly, I think I get plenty of socialization just being on social media!

And then, I have a great deal of socialization in this blogging world. I’m getting to know people and learn about people by the blogs they write and by the way they respond to my blog. I never really thought about it before, but there some bloggers to whom I’m loyal, whose every blog I see posted by them is one I will go to read, regardless of the topic. Every blog post is a chance to see beyond the computer screen to the person putting their words out there, and that makes me recognize that I am socializing, just not face-to-face.

So, okay, I live a passive lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean I am a passive person. My brother is probably the only one in the people who know me who know that I have a very reactive temper, and that occasionally it takes over my sanity. In those moments, when vitriol is known to make itself available for assistance, I’ve allowed it. In that way, I am very much like my mother, but at a much lower scale. When one of us children would do something to raise her anger level, she tended to punish first and find out the details later. I abhor physical abuse to children by adults for that reason alone. I am also very aggressive when I see someone hurting someone I care about, physically or verbally. I may not be a mama bear, but I have the instincts of one!

I recently (two days ago) found an article that is very accurate in showing who I am. The article is called If These 11 Things Describe You, You’re Probably A Low-Key Introvert (bolde.com), and I clearly see myself in 9 of the 11 things listed (excluding #7 and #8). I rather like that naming of it, and this article doesn’t exist because I’m the only one (there is safety in numbers, right?).

Therefore, I wish to go on record about three things of which I’m certain:

I (CONTENTEDLY) LIVE A PASSIVE LIFESTYLE, and

I AM A LOW-KEY INTROVERT and

I AM OKAY WITH BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF WITH NO PLANS FOR CHANGE.

And that is all I’m going to say about that!

In My Own Little Corner…

The title of this post is the name of a song in the Rogers & Hammerstein musical Cinderella. I believe the first “version” of it aired on TV in 1965, starring Lesley Ann Warren as Cinderella, Stuart Damon (aka Alan Quartermaine on General Hospital) as Prince Charming and Celeste Holm as the Fairy Godmother.

None of the versions made since this one hold as much appeal to me. Yes, I’ve watched them, because my heart adores this romantic fairy tale, but in my opinion, no one has played the parts as well as these three stars did. And yes, I adore Julie Andrews to the moon and back, but she’s not my heart’s first choice for this movie.

I’ve said before that I’m an introvert. I’ve mentioned before that I’m content with only myself for company. The older I get, the less social I want to be. I see people – and sometimes even speak to them – at the grocery store which is an almost weekly excursion, and that’s enough. Someone mentioned this movie recently, and this was the first song that came to mind… and it’s been stuck in my mind since then. I guess I truly am happy to be in my own little corner!

Sing along with me if you dare!

A Wallflower’s Perspective

It may be difficult for some of my readers to believe, but I’m an introvert. Unless I am around someone I know with whom I can say anything without worry of lack-of-filter, it takes a great deal of focus and energy to don my extrovert mask. Maybe not to don it so much, but certainly to maintain it in its place.

Whether the group of people I am amid counts 12 or 120, I don’t tend to be comfortable with most of them. Again, I can don the mask and be “Chatty Cathy” but it comes as a cost to me mentally and physically.

I’ve never liked being the center of attention. I remember a surprise birthday party thrown for me some years ago by a group of my gal pals. I remember requesting that the 4 of us just get together for lunch and to go see a movie. And I remember walking into the party, hearing shouts of “surprise” and turning right back around and walking back out the door as tears ran down my cheeks. I did manage to pull myself together enough to re-enter, but I was SO GLAD when it was over! It was a decade birthday, and I love my gal pals for diligently pulling off the event, but I was so uncomfortable being there that I went home afterwards and cried myself to sleep.

Lately, as I’ve started spending time in the streams of my Mixer family, I’ve discovered just how difficult it is for me to be the center of attention. I mean, I enjoy chatting with others, but when the chat becomes focused on me, I feel totally inept and awkward. The focus is always positive – don’t get me wrong there – but I don’t see myself as more special than anyone else who is there!

I had a ‘light bulb’ moment of self-discovery and realized that this thing that I do is done in internet chat rooms but also in real life. When I’m ready to leave, I tend to want to just fade into the background and disappear, and I realize I do that because I also don’t want all of the attention as people rush to say “good-bye”. When you announce you’re leaving, people want that opportunity and, once again, that makes me feel like I’m the center of attention.

Now, I have two choices to make. The first is to actually publish this post. Generations back in my family tree, there was this idea that, if you didn’t say something aloud, you could pretend that it doesn’t exist, or at least isn’t true. I remember my grandfather having cancer – in his throat and in his stomach – and, if cancer was even mentioned, it was whispered as “the big C”. My mother was also good at pretending things she didn’t want to handle didn’t exist. In my head, I’d often labeled her as “the queen of denial”. The information in this post is something that makes me feel very vulnerable, and perhaps if I don’t say it aloud, I can pretend that it doesn’t exist. I mean, I know it’s there, but does everyone else have to know, too?

My second choice is to process this truth and decide if it is something that needs changing in me. Being a wallflower fits perfectly in my comfort zone, and do I really need to climb out of my comfort zone for this? Part of me wants to fight changing, telling me that I have every right to be just who I am. Another part of me wonders if I’m doing a disservice to others by just “fading into the sunset” without saying anything.

That decision is going to be more difficult and will be a process of some deeper internal introspection.

In the meantime, if I seem to “fade into the sunset” around you, please know that it has NOTHING to do with YOU and EVERYTHING to do with ME! The only promise I can make is the promise that it is something to which I will give great thought. Meanwhile, thanks for not holding my need to fade against me!

Extrovert or Introvert?

How about both? A fellow blogger, Kate Crimmins, recently posted what I quote here as part of her post at Views and Mews by Coffee Kat (you can follow her at https://coffeekatblog.com): “An extroverted introvert – Yes there is such a thing. I get energy off of people but in large doses they make me cranky, irritable and homicidal. The past ten days social engagements have piled on top of each other. That’s a lot of being nice. Way over my limit. This past Friday was the first day without a scheduled people event. I was ecstatic. I don’t like to go too long without people interaction but I love my alone time. Next week is all about me, me, me!”

I’d never have thought up that label, but it fits me pretty well! If asked to choose, most people who know me would classify me as an extrovert because they have always seen me appear confident in social settings. (Note the word “appear”). My career in the hospitality industry made it necessary, so I learned to don that mask and perform well with it. Yet, and especially as I get older, I’ve never really had much tolerance for crowds. Even team-building exercises with a small group always made me uncomfortable. Yet I learned to be able to express myself because it was expected.

And yet, I feel very shy around strangers. Beyond the hello and nice to meet you line, I struggle to initiate a conversation. Fortunately, I learned early on the idea is to ask questions and get the other person to talk about themselves. And fortunately, most people are more than eager to talk about themselves. I can walk away from a conversation with a stranger and all they can tell you about me is that I’m a good listener. I’ve never liked to talk about myself except in private conversations with people I trust. I detest being the center of attention for any reason (even with friends I trust).

Even my Zodiac sign, which I don’t put much stock in, says I’m an introvert!

And yes, I like being alone. I like being alone a LOT! Like Kate, I need to feed off the energy of others from time to time, but I’ve become very content with my own self for company. My tolerance for crowds of people continues to diminish as I age, as well as my tolerance for high levels of noise.

And yet, if you read my blog, you find that I have strong opinions and the ability to put them into words. Talking is the sign of an extrovert, while listening is a sign of an introvert. And that’s why I’m so ecstatic to find out that I’m not the only one with some of both. Of course, in this case, talking actually means writing…performing these words orally for others would have me petrified!

So, from now on, I’m going to label myself as an extroverted introvert – or maybe an introverted extrovert – allowing myself to be some of each.

What about you? Do you clearly classify as one or the other, or are you also some of each?