Lately I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by things going on in my life and things (big, HUGE things) going on in my bestie’s life. I keep telling myself to pull up my big-girl panties because people have much more serious things going on in their lives (wildfires, hurricanes, senseless shootings) that make what we’re going through small by comparison.
It brings back a lot of my childhood and early adulthood, when I was told not to show my emotions about anything and sometimes even told that my emotions were wrong. I’ve since learned that what I feel is never, ever wrong, but I still can’t help but expect myself to “just get over them”, in essence, ignore them and/or pretend they don’t exist.
This week I had the same problem with my car that I’d had a couple of weeks ago, and it threw me for a loop because I thought I’d fixed the problem (it seemed obvious to me how to fix it) and what I had tried had done nothing to alleviate the problem. For the very first time in my life (at least as I recall), I played ostrich and buried my head in the sand to avoid dealing with the problem for over 48 hours. I just had a sense that dealing with it immediately would be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I actually did a good job imitating an ostrich but then also felt guilt slip in because I went for over 2 days ignoring it instead of just dealing with it.
So anyhow, I came across this recently and it hit me right where I needed to be hit. What a blessing to have this reach me just when I needed it.
I keep re-reading it, attempting to let it soak me with its wisdom all the way to my heart and soul. In case one of my readers is also facing a mountain that seems too big right now, I wanted to share it.
The title of this post is the name of a song in the Rogers & Hammerstein musical Cinderella. I believe the first “version” of it aired on TV in 1965, starring Lesley Ann Warren as Cinderella, Stuart Damon (aka Alan Quartermaine on General Hospital) as Prince Charming and Celeste Holm as the Fairy Godmother.
None of the versions made since this one hold as much appeal to me. Yes, I’ve watched them, because my heart adores this romantic fairy tale, but in my opinion, no one has played the parts as well as these three stars did. And yes, I adore Julie Andrews to the moon and back, but she’s not my heart’s first choice for this movie.
I’ve said before that I’m an introvert. I’ve mentioned before that I’m content with only myself for company. The older I get, the less social I want to be. I see people – and sometimes even speak to them – at the grocery store which is an almost weekly excursion, and that’s enough. Someone mentioned this movie recently, and this was the first song that came to mind… and it’s been stuck in my mind since then. I guess I truly am happy to be in my own little corner!
That’s right – I took a vacation! And I’m happy to report that it was wonderful. For an entire week, I did what I wanted to do, napped whenever the urge overtook me, cooked meals I was hungry for without making a lot of mess, and read to my heart’s content!
I spent no money on gas. I did not have to pack a single thing. I did not walk outside of my apartment building – and only three times out of my actual apartment, to check for mail. I let my air conditioner cycle to the temperature I set (a mild 76-78 degrees) without thinking about turning it off for a bit to save energy.
I did not go anywhere for this vacation. This vacation was not about a physical destination, but a mental destination. Because of my assorted medical issues, it is difficult for me to be physically active for long periods of time, and so there are always ‘chores’ around my house that need done but never get done in a timely manner. And, when I sit down for one of what I call my ‘rest periods’ – what I need to have whenever I feel like I’m zapped of energy – I can see all of these things that should be done and feel guilty that I’m not willing to go through the physical discomfort of pushing my body beyond its comfort. What I did do, for an entire week, was train and then allow my brain to look at all of those things needing done and internally say to them, “Next week.”
I had no idea how liberating this would end up being for me. It did take me about 48 hours to completely let go of the guilt and worry, but once I had that mastered, I truly had the best 7 days in a row that I’ve had in years! And the side benefit is that, moving forward, I think I have developed the ability to look at a chore that feels overwhelming to me and say, “Yes, but not today” and be okay with letting it go.
This was my first experience at visiting the “No Guilt Land” and it has felt so good that I’d like to move there! However, that’s not a reality, because clothes do need to be washed and dried and put away. Bathrooms do need to be cleaned to keep them hygienic. Dusting and vacuuming do need to happen to keep sneezing and other allergy issues to a minimum. And, least favorite of all, trash does need to be gathered up from different rooms and taken outside and down to the alley to put in the building’s bins.
However, one of the other voices in my head whispers that if I could just get everything that needs done in a timely manner, I could enjoy that same sensation that I felt for the vacation week without anything I’d even need to feel guilty about. That’s not reality – I can picture in my mind’s eye the vision of me doing all of these chores – but I can’t find the motivation to actually do them. And, not having central air conditioning and relying on window units, it’s even more difficult to attack chores that are in uncooled rooms.
My vacations over the past many years, when I actually took a vacation, were always in January (the slowest month in hotel travelers) and always to visit Ocala, Florida, home where my parents had retired to. I’ve not actually ‘gone away’ (more than an occasional day trip to Lancaster County with my bestie, which doesn’t count because I lived there for 14 years before moving to where I am now) since my dad passed in 2015. I’ve been hesitant to take any real type of vacation, because my medical issues change daily in the amount that they impact me. But, I’m pretty sure I’m going to make return visits to “No Guilt Land” at least once a year. It was a great experience for me, and I’m hoping will be a teaching trip for me as well.
Oh, and I’m still on vacation quite a bit from the Internet and until I hit a reading slump, that may continue for a while. But I’ll pop up here whenever I have something to say, I promise!
I felt these words when I read them. Within these words I felt a sense of forgiveness of myself for not having the stamina and energy I used to have and forgiving myself for not getting done all of the things that need to be done so that I could relax without feeling guilty.
But I’m here. I’m showing up. I’m doing the best that I can. And sometimes the best that I can do is taking care of me to the exclusion of any- and everything else.
I had my first ever physical therapy a couple of years ago when I dislocated my shoulder. Although I am someone who is close to the edge of the spectrum to abhorring exercise, other than having to go out somewhere and be pleasant with intent, I didn’t really mind the 22 (of 24 approved) visits to therapy. Exercises were focused on my arm, so not extremely ‘active’.
This time, I am in physical therapy to deal with issues of balance and neuropathy. Since my broken jaw was a result of a traumatic fall – the second almost identical fall in under 2 years – I have been aware that I have become very timid about walking. For example, when I park my car at home, I automatically reach for my car for support before stepping up over the curb and onto the sidewalk to have something to hold on to in case I lose my balance. I’m the one holding onto the handle of a shopping cart whenever my bestie and I go shopping together. I can’t remember when the last time was where I could stand up from being seated without using my hands/arms to help push me up. My doctor and I have been talking about physical therapy since last autumn, but with other issues in the forefront, it hasn’t been something that’s been focused on until recently.
When I was at the doctor’s for my 3-month follow-up back in early February, the topic of physical therapy came up again and there were less other issues that pushed it back on the priority list. She gave me a referral for physical therapy (needed with my insurance). I brought the paper home, tacked it up on the bulletin board for safekeeping, and ignored it.
I really do not like to exercise! I remembered hating gym class back in high school, so I guess I’ve always not enjoyed it. And, with the increased excessive sweating over the last years (see https://wordpress.com/post/ramblingsandruminations.blog/5955 for reference), any kind of physical activity will make me break out in a sweat.
So here I am now, hiking 10 miles (about a 20-minute drive) to go to physical therapy twice a week (soon, hopefully, just once a week and then, hopefully, no times a week). And this is very different from my last physical therapy experience. This is 45 minutes of physical activity, done mostly on my feet, and usually at least twice during that time, I have to grab a tissue from my pocket and catch the drop of sweat trickling downward very close to my eye (sweat in the eyes burns like a son-of-a-gun!). I have intentionally forgone having my hair cut so that it is at least long enough to pull the back up into a short ponytail, which lifts it off my neck and allows the sweat that comes from those pores to evaporate in the air.
Yes, I am complaining – because I like being a hermit and because I hate sweating!!!!
Having said that, I am seeing some progress. I thought I was making great progress until I recently logged in online and read the therapist’s notes from each visit. I’m not only doing my home exercise program as instructed, but I’m making up additional ‘exercises’ to encourage my progress. He sees my progress being what it should be after 4 weeks, and I’ve improved well on each of the tests that he gave me at the first evaluation. The biggest thing for me is that I’ve regained my confidence. I had gotten to the point where I anticipated that every step I took could lead to a fall, and I was timid in my walking and holding on to something any time it was available. I mean, I wouldn’t even step off the curb into the street without my hand on my car to steady me.
Being me – someone who does not like exercise of any kind – I want all of this hard work to make me revert back to my old self where I walk with assurance and feel 100% confident in each step without thinking about it. I am much assured in walking and much more confident, but there are times when my foot won’t land as solidly as it needs to and I notice it as soon as I lift the other foot to take a step. When that happens, I really have to have an internal conversation about balance being something many people have difficulties with as they get older and remind myself that I am much better off than before PT, at least to the point where I am seldom afraid of falling. I guess I was hoping for a 100% recovery back to having 100% balance, and I’m beginning to think that is not going to happen.
Meanwhile, I pull up my big-girl panties and go to my appointments, and I do (some of) the home exercises I’m supposed to do. I even said something to my therapist about wanting to play the game of hopscotch, because that would make it necessary to me one-footed, even if it’s just for a moment. He got out some flat plastic discs and laid them on the floor in a hopscotch pattern, and I did 10 rounds of up and back. He has just knocked me down from 2 visits per week to one per week, and he insists I’m making great progress and may be out of PT by July.
So, fingers crossed, I will get out of this alive and better off. After what I went through with jaw surgery as a result of my last fall, I don’t know if I have the resilience to repeat that!
If you’ve got a moment, feel free to cross your fingers for me as well!
I’m hoping that my readers know what AFK stands for since it’s been around for quite a while, but just in case… AFK = Away From Keyboard.
By breaking up the whole story about my jaw into segments, and having some moments where my mind was racing with a thought that could flourish into a blog post with little prodding, I’ve been managing to schedule a blog post for every 10 days since the beginning of the year. June 4th, as I’m starting this post, is day 153 of the year so far for 2023. When I divide that by 10, that’s really only 15 posts in 5 months, which doesn’t seem like a lot. Nonetheless, it was nice to have a well of completed posts that I could schedule ahead to allow me to keep that schedule.
Sadly, that well has run dry. Oh, I have drafts of 6 or 7 posts started, popping the idea into a draft when it comes to my brain or is relevant to something in my life, but not a single one of them inspires me to sit down and just let the words flow from my brain through my fingertips.
With the return of warmer weather and the knowledge that “I Am a Sweater”, I will need to spend more time in my living room, which has a window air conditioner. My living room has a ceiling fan, and I was given a nice fan that sits on the floor but has a tilting head, and so far, that has been enough to keep me cool (except for the one day the temperature was forecast to be 90 degrees and it was already 80 degrees by 9 AM). I also have a window air conditioner in my bedroom, but only turn it on a little bit before bedtime and keep the door shut when I’m sleeping in there (plus a desk fan across the room on my dresser that is always turned on before I crawl into the bed, regardless of the weather!).
My second bedroom, which is use as an office/storage room, does not have any air conditioning. There is a ceiling fan in place, and I have an adjustable floor fan that I keep near my desk at desk height if it’s really hot. My routine has always been computer time with my coffee in the morning, so it’s coolest in this room then. But coolest does not mean cool, and so I don’t spend as much time at my computer in the warmer weather.
So, all of this to say that my posts may become more sporadic for the next few months, but that doesn’t mean I’ve gone anywhere. It just means that checking emails, paying bills and doing banking, and reading other blogs I follow will likely take up as much time as I’m willing to spend in this room.
I’ll be checking in, and if my muse has an urgent need to make herself heard, posts will be forthcoming, but please do not expect them with any regularity for the next few months. I plan to be spending time in my recliner in the air conditioned living room reading and then reading some more.
For all of you, stay cool, stay dry and stay healthy. I’ll see ya when I see ya!
Unless you’re a newer reader of my blog, you already know that I am passionate about this subject. In school, the 3 Rs were Reading, (W)Riting and (A)Rithmetic. In the ecological world, the 3 Rs are Reuse, Repurpose and Recycle. Repurposing something is my biggest weakness, as I don’t really have the creative gene that can pick up two (or more) used products having nothing in common and put them together to make a new, usable item. Perhaps that is why I was a loyal viewer of the TV show “Flea Market Flip”?
I do know of a few items that I am good at reusing, like plastic containers with lids that came filled with a grocery item (think whipped topping, cottage cheese, yogurt, etc.) The plastic containers are ideal for when I went to share something yummy I’ve made, because I don’t have to worry about a good container never being returned to me. I have a handful of large prescription medicine bottles for which I have a vague plan the next time I go through all of my craft stuff.
But, when it comes to recycling, I’d like to think of myself as a pro. I contacted our borough office to find out where I could find a list of what our trash company will consider for recycling. I printed out an 8-1/2 x 11 page from their website and hung it on our community bulletin board so all of the residents can see it. And while I’m not a dumpster diver in any sense of the word (we have large plastic cans, not a dumpster, anyhow), if I’m taking out trash and see that someone has put a recyclable item in the regular trash, if possible, I will retrieve it and put it in the correct bin.
This “rant” became needed by me to release some of the emotions related to a neighboring state recently banning all plastic bags at grocery stores and even convenience stores. The press release said this:
“Starting May 4, 2022, New Jersey retail stores, grocery stores and food service businesses may not provide or sell single-use plastic carryout bags and polystyrene foam food service products. Single-use paper carryout bags are allowed to be provided or sold, except by grocery stores equal to or larger than 2500 square feet, which may only provide or sell reusable carryout bags. After November 4, 2021, plastic straws may be provided only upon the request of the customer.”
I’m old enough to remember before plastic bags came to the forefront of ways to carry things. I worked in the local grocery store through high school and college breaks, and brown paper bags were all we used to bag groceries. They were great because they were sturdier so the bottom row in the bag could carry all canned goods. And did they get recycled? How many of you remember making book covers from them after the first week of school to cover all of your subject books? I remember enjoying this task. Not only did the books look cleaner and more uniform, but each of us could decorate or doodle upon those plain brown covers! Now, you can barely find a brown paper bag, because enough loud voices and politicians were concerned about depleting our forests by turning lumber into paper. Now we’ve reached another environmental quagmire because we replaced paper bags with plastic ones.
Now, let me tell you quickly that I am not opposed to this ban in any way! I’ve been using my reusable bags for a while now (though, on occasion, I’ve used a plastic bag if I have eggs and bread to keep them separate and lessen the chance of them becoming mashed and/or broken).
However, of all of the plastic out there that is not recyclable, it’s my belief that plastic store bags are 95% treated with reuse. Yes, some people just throw them away once they are empty, but most of us save them for reuse. Taking your dog for a walk means you need to carry a plastic bag along to clean up after any solid ‘dumps’, and a grocery bag is perfect for that chore. What if you don’t have that plastic bag? Those with a conscience will find another source of disposable plastic to perform as an alternative, and that same non-recyclable plastic will end up in the trash.
If you’ve walked the produce or meat aisle of a grocery store, you’ve most likely seen the mounted rolls of plastic bags to place your produce inside and/or your meat (in case it is sticky/leaking). These are also non-recyclable and end up in the trash. Plus, all of that meat that is wrapped with a plastic wrap on a Styrofoam tray involves two different products that are non-recyclable! And speaking of trash, what do we put our trash into when it’s an item to be discarded? Did I hear someone say, “a plastic bag”?
Remember a few years ago when all of the talk was about plastic straws, which are not recyclable? The servers at the diner I visit monthly to have lunch with my bestie still immediately place a paper wrapped plastic straw on the table for every cold drink that is ordered – even if it’s just a glass of water! Now, some people prefer a straw, but wouldn’t it be better not only for the environment but for the business’s bottom line if they only provided them upon request?
Also several years ago, there was this big mention of the amount of Styrofoam cups at all of the convenience stores and other coffee shops that are primarily driven by drive-thru and to-go business (and yes, Styrofoam is recyclable but the practice is complicated and therefore not done in the majority of recycling centers across the country, and it’s supposedly not very profitable to recycle). So, all of these companies switched to cardboard cups, and we applauded them. However, the lids and the stirrers that are used for to-go coffee are made of non-recyclable plastics!
And while I’m going to rant, why is recycling still a voluntary act instead of a mandatory one? And why is recycling strongly encouraged only at the residential level and not for businesses? How many plastic drink bottles are tossed in the trash in a large company’s break room? How many large empty detergent bottles are tossed in the trash in a laundromat? Stop at a convenience store because your oil light came on, bought a quart of oil and poured it in your car? Where is that plastic can going to end up? Oh, and since the invention of disposable diapers, how many diapers, absorbent material wrapped in plastic, are put in the trash daily across the country???
All of this is why, while I applaud New Jersey’s stance on plastic shopping bags, I don’t believe that it’s going to have as big of an effect as we need in order to save our planet from the damage we are doing to it even if the entire country made it a rule. That piece of plastic is just a small part of the plastic that we use every day without thought of how discarding it will have an effect.
The next time you go to the grocery store, walk every aisle, even if you don’t need anything from that aisle. See how many products you find that are packaged in non-recyclable materials. Think about all of the breads and buns in their plastic bags. Think about all of the meats, some with Styrofoam trays, some not, but all in some kind of plastic. Think about all of those frozen veggies in plastic bags. Then look in the non-food aisles. Things like toilet paper and paper towels are wrapped in plastic. Laundry detergent and some cleaners do come in recyclable bottles, but the caps and/or sprayer nozzles are not recyclable. And even though some foods come in glass containers, which are recyclable, the lids are not. In other words, the amount of waste that goes to a landfill will always be much greater than the amount of products that end up in a recycling bin. And recycling those products is still voluntary, and not everyone bothers.
Again, I don’t want to belittle New Jersey for its state-wide ban of plastic shopping bags, and maybe it made the news in my area because of our proximity to the state line, but I’m not sure it deserves any great fanfare to signal its achievement.
But it burns my biscuits (thanks, Kristian!) that there is so much more to be done and that this attempt, while well-intentioned, is like the proverbial ‘drop in a bucket’ to what needs to be done. And that’s just on OUR side! Government needs to step in and help recycling centers and end users of recycled products make it profitable to sustain both in their efforts. I recently saw a headline that only 9% of the products that are recyclable end up being use, while the other 91% sit, in large quantities, wrapped up in wire hoping that someone will have a need.
Snitched from Kristian’s blog!
Overall, there aren’t enough of us who care about the future of our planet to fight for recycling. I know that some people will recycle if it’s convenient, but not many go through the conscious effort to make a difference in how our waste is handled.
So, if you went out and planted a tree, or helped a group clean up an area where trash is thrown around, in honor of Earth Day, the planet thanks you. If you don’t avidly recycle, that thank you is rescinded.
Please, do what’s right, not just what’s convenient.
Ramblings and Ruminations 