Lost & Found

In the spring of 1997, I was introduced to a man who lived in Indiana but traveled to Lancaster County, where I lived and worked, regularly for business. I remember how easily and quickly we connected on a mental, almost intellectual, level and that we stood talking to each other for a seemingly long – and much too short – time. I remember finally exiting that meeting to head home and thinking to myself how long it had been since I’d enjoyed a conversation like that with someone. On his next trip to town, he made it a point to spend time conversing with me again, and did the same on his next trip. I really enjoyed his company each time, and we ended up spending time together on each of his upcoming visits, which often included dinner out. To make a long story short, I found myself falling in love with him and he was the first to say, “I love you”. For almost 10 years, we maintained a long-distance relationship and it worked for us well. We each had careers we were invested in and neither of us was in the position to make a move closer to each other. When he came to town, however, we invested every spare moment we had being with each other.

But all good things come to an end, and there came a time when it wasn’t feasible to continue, as our relationship couldn’t move forward and neither of us were willing to make the sacrifices it would have taken to push it forward. My heart was broken, but it just couldn’t happen for us.

Time passed… a lot of time, years in fact… and though we lost touch with each other, eventually both of us retired, my heart never got over him. During those years apart, I sporadically dated here and there, but found that no man could capture me completely the way that John had. So I held on to that theory that “it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”.

Time passed – almost 18 years to be exact – and one day a couple of months ago, there was a message in my voice mail (callers not in my contact list go straight to my voice mail) and it was from John. He left his number and I immediately called him back. Apparently, his heart had never stopped thinking about me as mine had never stopped thinking about him. He’s still in Indiana and I’m still in Pennsylvania, but it feels to both of us that we’ve just picked up where we left off all those years ago. We’ve been exchanging emails and phone calls and texts and even bought each other Christmas gifts this year (he spoiled me!). We’ve been talking about meeting together somewhere neutral and spend days just talking and catching up and seeing if the feelings we have can capture a reality. I’ve already said I was willing to move (though the thought of packing up and the expense of moving overwhelms me) if we find that we can maintain a day-to-day reality with each other. I harbor some concerns that my medical issues might be a burden I don’t want to place on him, and he has some concerns that his two grown daughters, especially the younger one with whom he shares a house, may not be prepared to have a woman in their dad’s life and have to share him.

But a lost love has been found, and I am deliriously crazy in love again. The only sadness is that my brother is not here to share my joy, as he knew that my heart was still invested in this one man. Where we go from here? Where we end up? We are both dreaming of a future together and our hearts and minds are totally invested in making that dream come true. But it’s going to be a slow process – and he’s teaching me patience in the meantime. But he’s being present with me in ways his past life – and mine – prevented him from doing before.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post – – but I just can’t keep these feelings to myself. It’s too cold outside to go out and shout it from the rooftop! (Not that I’d risk climbing up to the roof with my balance issues.)

So that’s the Reader’s Digest condensed version of where I’m spending my time and with whom I’m spending it.