It Isn’t a Competition

I heard those words a few weeks ago, from Kimberly (my high school BFF), and the lightbulb went from darkness to 150 watts instantly. While that was happening, a hand reached out and smacked me on the head, while another hand pushed my lips into a “wow” like kind of expression and a loud whisper of the word “DOH” was muttered.

We were talking about her Parkinson’s disease, how it is already making changes physically and those physical changes make changes to her emotionally. I had mentioned that I have a collection of ‘disorders’ of what are not rare or life-altering. I mentioned that, whenever I want to give in to a pity party for one, I just remember about other people I know who have far more serious medical issues and that often helps to turn off the self-pity. It was then when Kimberly uttered the words, “It isn’t a competition”.

Like I said, “Pow! Boom! Bam!” That engrained since childhood belief that what I am, who I am, how I feel is never as important – if it’s even validated – and I should spend time dwelling on it because it’s been validated – because there are so many others facing far more complex and serious challenges. And then there are those who want to strongly remind me of how grateful I should be because I do, indeed, have many less challenges in life than others have. Somehow, while I don’t remember how those messages were delivered, they came to be known in perception that self-care needs are driven by self-pity. And self-pity is a sin of sorts.

I remember my mom once saying on a morning when she was feeling ill, that she would be going to work anyhow, with a phrase I’ve never forgotten. She said, “Why stay home and feel bad when I can go to work and make everyone miserable?” That statement now reeks of sarcasm, but I never knew my mother to be sarcastic and so I interpreted it as martyrdom. Oh, everything my mother did had some sense of martyrdom attached to it. And yet, there were times I also remember her being very self-indulgent; and only now recognize that the self-indulgence was her way of ‘paying herself’ for her martyrdom.

But it isn’t a competition in life about who has it the worst, despite the fact that my brain has been wired to look for people who have it worse than I do so I can accept that I don’t have it so bad. Yes, it can come across as gratitude, but not in the kind way it should do so.

I have several medical issues I deal with, mostly, as my brother Mark once said, “better living through chemistry”. I wouldn’t be surprised that the majority of people who read this post are in that same boat, and not all of them have to do with how we age. I don’t begrudge anyone else feeling frustrated and self-pitying at times for what they have to deal with to try to bring the best quality to their lives as they can. But I feel guilt for allowing myself to feel that way.

It isn’t a competition. We may share some of the same issues, but we all have different ways that each issue affects us. I’m allowed to be frustrated that some medications that work for 99% of the people taking them leave me hanging in the odd 1% for whom they don’t work as planned.

I reported to my doctor in September that I was already experiencing the melancholy of S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder), which normally hits me about the 2nd to 3rd week of October. I had lack of motivation, complete lack of energy, nothing I felt good about making it from one day to the next. The energy lack exists without the depression, but not caring to take care of hygiene needs as should be shows the level of aptitude in the depression. I’m not suicidal – – and I feel like I need to say that often because there are people who associate someone with depression as suicidal. Honestly, I have no desire to kill myself, but there are moments when I realize I would be perfectly okay with it if I went to sleep and didn’t wake up again. Anyhow, my doctor weaned me off the anti-depressant I’d been on for about 3 years and started me on a brand new one. It’s called Vraylar, and the maker fortunately has a patient assistance program which is providing me the drug at no cost, because my co-pay would have been $472 a month. Yes, a month!

I’ve only just recently been speaking up about the fact that I suffer from depression. I’m not ashamed of having the diagnosis, but there again, stating that I suffer sounds to me like I’m complaining… and so many people out there have it so much worse than me. That’s why I’ve kept silent or only mentioned depression in the vaguest of ways. But it feels good to put it out to the universe that I am considered to have a depressive disorder, and I deal with it functionally, often times without people even knowing!

So, whatever you are dealing with in your life – in any regard – it’s okay to own it. Owning the issues you are facing does not detract from or compete with issues that any other person is dealing with. Some may be similar, many are completely different. You’re going to handle them in your own way, just as we all are going to do the same. And although I’ve built this post up around medical issues and specifically, depression, it’s true along any path we are journeying. It might be medical, but it could be financial, familial, relationship issues and everything else. We aren’t competing to get through life!

(P.S. I can’t believe how different I feel at the end of writing this! This release of competition frees me to just love myself with whatever I am dealing with without measuring myself to other people. Kimberly, I can’t wait for the next thing I’m going to learn from you!)