I’ve got a folder on my laptop entitled, “Future Blog Ideas”. In it are memes and one- or two-line phrases of thoughts quickly inspired by a moment but which need more fleshing out in order to become actual posts. Additionally, I’ve got two partially written posts in draft on here and a third partially written post I’ve already moved to the trash file.
Right now, it’s all trash. I didn’t feel that way when I collected the ideas or started out writing a post. But I’ve looked at and re-looked at it for several days now, and it all continues to be uninspiring.
I don’t know why I feel that way about it. I’ve internally inspected myself the last same days to see if I recognize any thoughts or behaviors which, from experience, have been pre-cursors to a depressive episode. Nothing is there. I don’t feel sad, or melancholy or even what my bestie and I call “meh”. Honestly, I don’t feel much of anything.
At this time last week, something big happened that rocked the world for everyone that was a part of a community I’d been involved with for about 8 months. Alleged accounts of predatory sexual behavior and racism both came to light in a very short amount of time within the community. As a result, the rest of the community sat angrily, waiting for those allegations to be addressed. Instead, the community leaders made known that, quickly, without warning and without addressing those issues, the community was being disbanded and the doors to the community meeting place were being locked shut. I felt a whole lot then – anger and horror for the members who had invested a lot of energy and time into making the community grow. I also felt helpless – unable to find a way to make things better for those who were hit the hardest by the decision to lock us out. And I felt sad about the loss of this community, where many people had become like family to me.
Fortunately, another place for us to gather had always been available, and much of the community rallied to go there and bring the greatness within us back to life. As much as this other place to gather was a lot more inconvenient to me, I didn’t want to lose being with these great people, so I agreed to meet there as well. From the outside looking in, one would interpret that nothing has changed except the venue that holds our meetings. The people are the same great people inside it, but it just doesn’t feel ‘homey’, for lack of a better word, like the other place always did.
Perhaps my struggle with that is why everything else I can think about to pen here feels like trash. Maybe I’ve lost some of my footing and don’t know where to go with whatever thoughts or feelings I’m having. Maybe having this happen – and have it affect so many people – makes me think that all of my thoughts and feelings just don’t seem to matter in the grander scheme of things.
I like having a blog. I like this source where I can go and be authentic behind the anonymity of a computer screen. I’ve often told others that blogging is something that often allows me to ‘let it go’ and then grasp again a sense of sanity. I’ve never thought that my blog posts were trash. But to be honest, I just feel like writing blog posts is a chore right now.
I know I’m not alone. I follow other blogs in which the writers have stated this same funk. But I still feel like I should be able to overcome it – because I’ve overcome far more complex emotional ‘funks’ before. Or maybe….maybe being in a funk and being a bit numb to my emotions is exactly where I need to be right now. Nothing has changed on either the political or pandemic crises and it’s getting old. In a sense, it’s like the old ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ feeling. And we all know that patience is not my strong suit! If the asshole in office in this country is going to be reelected for a second term, if a second wave of the virus is going to once again plague the country (and world), then just DO IT ALREADY!
Maybe I’m just afraid to have hope that things will improve because there is a good chance that they won’t. Whatever it is, I just wanted to alert my readers that my posts may be sporadic in the coming future, unless they correlate to things I can share – like hacks – that don’t require me to feel. Anything else is trash.